I wish things didn't have to hurt. I wish that when we had crisis of faith we could waive a wand and things would instantly be fixed. I wish that the bible worked like that, that we could simply quote Psalm 91 and God would have to heal us, emotionally, mentally and physically.
As weak as we are as human creatures, we generally think of our frailty in physical terms. Why can't I survive in space, why can't I breath under water, why can't I fly?
But I think if we consider the words of Jesus and the authors of the bible, we have to confront the fact that we are weak emotionally and spiritually, not really so much physically.
Earlier this week I was really discouraged, I was frustrated with God, with our church and with my life. I asked God why things don't turn around quickly, or why everything is so slow. I didn't really get much of a response. And the beat goes on.
But as I have reflected some, I remembered the words of CS Lewis that basically say that God shouts at us in pain. Maybe God had tried to speak to me in other avenues, maybe God was trying to fix me in other ways, maybe he came to the conclusion that the only way to wake me up was with some pain. And like a good surgeon, he will not stop cutting until the bad parts are gone. And it sucks.
So when I think about the words "Blessed are the brokenhearted" I have to wonder what strange masochist calls that a blessing. But in my myopic glare, I often forget that Jesus could say that because he himself was brokenhearted.
So, I don't know that there is any inherent value in suffering, but I do know that it is a byproduct of something else.
There is a wonderful part in the Harry Potter books when Harry is raging at Dumbledore. He tells him he doesn't want to love anymore, because he doesn't want to hurt anymore. He wants to just turn his back and quit. But the reason Harry is remarkable is because he can still love even though he has been hurt so badly. And I think that is why God allows us to have our hearts broken. He needs to know if we are committed to this love thing as he is. He feels every bit of the pain we do, but he has not quit on us. My hope is that I can continue even with the pain. My hope is that the one who was broken for me can somehow heal me in the same way.
1.13.2011
1.10.2011
Checking in/ snow jerks
So, first to check in/update on my progress for 2011.
First: My goal of losing some weight. I have lost 6 pounds after 1 week of diet and exercise. My goal of dropping 20 by the end of January is on track. I imagine that dropping the next 14 will be harder, but can work out more if I notice stagnation. Both are hard, but the eating well is much more difficult for me. Evidently, I am ruled by my belly.
Second: My language study. I get an F+ for this. The only reason for the plus is because I have actually made plans to do this. Otherwise I have sucked it up. Meaning, I have done nothing but plan.
Third: Reading. I am doing great on this. I have roughly a week left in two pretty difficult (for me) reads. I am going to knock those out, have finished "Radical" and am on pace to get my reading done right this year.
Fourth: Being a better husband. Not sure if I can track this very well, but I think I am being more supportive and better in general. (jury still out on this one)
Fifth: Blogging. Bam! Right here suckas.
Snow jerks: So, we have had our first decent snow of the season this past weekend. And as I was driving to work, I couldn't help but think that someone in a horse-drawn carriage would have beaten me in today. I noticed that people drive very differently in the snow, so I have some of my rules and some of theirs below.
Mine
1. Lanes are unimportant at this point. Just follow the tracks other cars made before.
2. Brake often. You'll never make it to work if you wreck.
3. The goal is not to keep from sliding, but to slide in an awesome, controlled way.
4. Everyone driving faster is a jerk, and everyone driving slower is a grandma.
5. Stick to highways, doi.
Everyone else's
1. If you are in an SUV you are invincible. Drive as fast as possible while changing lanes frequently.
2. If you are in a Subaru, follow #1 while also talking on your phone.
3. Accelerate on bridges. Black ice is a myth.
4. Glare angrily at the Mazda that is driving too slow, then brake abruptly when you look back in front of you.
5. Do not yield, ever, no matter what.
First: My goal of losing some weight. I have lost 6 pounds after 1 week of diet and exercise. My goal of dropping 20 by the end of January is on track. I imagine that dropping the next 14 will be harder, but can work out more if I notice stagnation. Both are hard, but the eating well is much more difficult for me. Evidently, I am ruled by my belly.
Second: My language study. I get an F+ for this. The only reason for the plus is because I have actually made plans to do this. Otherwise I have sucked it up. Meaning, I have done nothing but plan.
Third: Reading. I am doing great on this. I have roughly a week left in two pretty difficult (for me) reads. I am going to knock those out, have finished "Radical" and am on pace to get my reading done right this year.
Fourth: Being a better husband. Not sure if I can track this very well, but I think I am being more supportive and better in general. (jury still out on this one)
Fifth: Blogging. Bam! Right here suckas.
Snow jerks: So, we have had our first decent snow of the season this past weekend. And as I was driving to work, I couldn't help but think that someone in a horse-drawn carriage would have beaten me in today. I noticed that people drive very differently in the snow, so I have some of my rules and some of theirs below.
Mine
1. Lanes are unimportant at this point. Just follow the tracks other cars made before.
2. Brake often. You'll never make it to work if you wreck.
3. The goal is not to keep from sliding, but to slide in an awesome, controlled way.
4. Everyone driving faster is a jerk, and everyone driving slower is a grandma.
5. Stick to highways, doi.
Everyone else's
1. If you are in an SUV you are invincible. Drive as fast as possible while changing lanes frequently.
2. If you are in a Subaru, follow #1 while also talking on your phone.
3. Accelerate on bridges. Black ice is a myth.
4. Glare angrily at the Mazda that is driving too slow, then brake abruptly when you look back in front of you.
5. Do not yield, ever, no matter what.
1.05.2011
Checklists
So I live my life checklist-to-checklist. I get into work in the morning and write one out, then my goal is to have it completed by the end of the day. On Saturdays I create a mental checklist of things I need to do that day, then repeat on Sundays. Those are usually pretty easy and just include things like 'read' or 'watch football' but they help me keep my goals in mind... I create a checklist before I go to the store, then just remember it by counting the items and slowly counting them off of my mental list.
So, like I said, I live my life one checklist at a time. This blog post is helping me fulfill one of my resolutions. The broccoli I choked down before starting this is helping me with another.
So my typical checklist looks something like this:
1. Clear email
2. Make callbacks
3. Check upcoming interns
4. Write intern letter
5. Update tracking, etc.
And on all the way up to 15 or so...
The only problem is that invariably I don't really follow my checklist. My actual practice checklist is:
1. Check email, only respond to those who need immediate response
2. Go to reddit.com
3. Shout something at Micah
4. Stroll around the building
5. Check reddit again
6. Check OU message board
7. Tell myself to quit slacking
8. And here we are...
No life lesson, just confession of my own sloth today.
So, like I said, I live my life one checklist at a time. This blog post is helping me fulfill one of my resolutions. The broccoli I choked down before starting this is helping me with another.
So my typical checklist looks something like this:
1. Clear email
2. Make callbacks
3. Check upcoming interns
4. Write intern letter
5. Update tracking, etc.
And on all the way up to 15 or so...
The only problem is that invariably I don't really follow my checklist. My actual practice checklist is:
1. Check email, only respond to those who need immediate response
2. Go to reddit.com
3. Shout something at Micah
4. Stroll around the building
5. Check reddit again
6. Check OU message board
7. Tell myself to quit slacking
8. And here we are...
No life lesson, just confession of my own sloth today.
12.31.2010
The late, great 2010
Doesn't really quite have any ring to it whatsoever... Well anyway, 2010 has come and gone and I'm preparing for 2011. I am looking forward to a plethora of good movies this year, a few good video games, and a chance to have a better 28th year than 27th. My 27th was anything but bad, but I want to be a better man this year. I am also extremely OCD about odd numbers, so my conundrum is always that either my age or the year are not both even, though I was born in an even year.
All that to say, I have spent some significant time working on some goals for 2011, so here we go:
Reading: Finish at least 40 new books this year, while mastering/rereading at least 10. This will probably be one of my easier goals.
Writing: 1. Blog at least once per week. And, since I haven't had this editor open since September, that will be a challenge. However, I did shoot out 52 posts last year, so I at least made the average right.
2. Begin writing seriously. No particular subject, but would like to start getting a lot of my memories written down.
Fitness: Drop about 30 pounds, and keep it off. Not sure why this is listed first, as it isn't really my main goal. My main goal is to be in much better shape. That will start, for me, by spending at least 40 minutes every morning doing cardio of some sort. Then, Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri at least 30 minutes lifting weights. I would like to average less than 1 DP per day in 2011, and most days, Mon-Sat, spend at least 1 hour in some sort of active pursuit.
Languages: Spanish. Would like to get a basic facility with Spanish. I took five years, so hopefully it isn't incredibly difficult to get back.
Greek. Need to translate at least on letter, work my way through a vocab book, and work through a basic grammar. Need to use this daily so that I don't suck at it.
Hebrew. Would like to build my basic vocab back up. Would like to work through a basic grammar and translate a short prophet or something like that. Ok if I suck at it, but right now I'm not even approaching sucking.
Relationships: I more than anything want to be a better husband this year. I don't think I have been terrible, but Robin deserves my full effort, and sometimes I haven't given that. I want to put the same kind of work into my relationship with her as I do many other things.
I want to develop relationships with pastors in town, and meet many non-Christians. I want to start being a regular at some places.
Hopes: These things are completely out of my hands, but they are things I am hoping and praying for anyway. First, that we could get pregnant and have a kid this year. Second, that we could find a church that is either dying or wants to share their building so we can have our own place to meet. Third, to be able to be full-time at church.
My hope is that by putting some of these things out there I can hold myself accountable to do them. I want to have a better 2011 and these are things that will help me do that.
All that to say, I have spent some significant time working on some goals for 2011, so here we go:
Reading: Finish at least 40 new books this year, while mastering/rereading at least 10. This will probably be one of my easier goals.
Writing: 1. Blog at least once per week. And, since I haven't had this editor open since September, that will be a challenge. However, I did shoot out 52 posts last year, so I at least made the average right.
2. Begin writing seriously. No particular subject, but would like to start getting a lot of my memories written down.
Fitness: Drop about 30 pounds, and keep it off. Not sure why this is listed first, as it isn't really my main goal. My main goal is to be in much better shape. That will start, for me, by spending at least 40 minutes every morning doing cardio of some sort. Then, Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri at least 30 minutes lifting weights. I would like to average less than 1 DP per day in 2011, and most days, Mon-Sat, spend at least 1 hour in some sort of active pursuit.
Languages: Spanish. Would like to get a basic facility with Spanish. I took five years, so hopefully it isn't incredibly difficult to get back.
Greek. Need to translate at least on letter, work my way through a vocab book, and work through a basic grammar. Need to use this daily so that I don't suck at it.
Hebrew. Would like to build my basic vocab back up. Would like to work through a basic grammar and translate a short prophet or something like that. Ok if I suck at it, but right now I'm not even approaching sucking.
Relationships: I more than anything want to be a better husband this year. I don't think I have been terrible, but Robin deserves my full effort, and sometimes I haven't given that. I want to put the same kind of work into my relationship with her as I do many other things.
I want to develop relationships with pastors in town, and meet many non-Christians. I want to start being a regular at some places.
Hopes: These things are completely out of my hands, but they are things I am hoping and praying for anyway. First, that we could get pregnant and have a kid this year. Second, that we could find a church that is either dying or wants to share their building so we can have our own place to meet. Third, to be able to be full-time at church.
My hope is that by putting some of these things out there I can hold myself accountable to do them. I want to have a better 2011 and these are things that will help me do that.
9.07.2010
The Reverend
In my line(s) of work, I deal with a lot of people who are in "ministry" in various places and forms. Some are very genuine, for all I know all are, and many seem to be practicing what they preach. Some are pastors and some are parishioners, some are educated and some are not. Some are called "reverend" and some are not.
But none are called that by me.
I refuse to do it.
And sometimes I worry that I am just being a jerk. That I just like to knock people down a notch and remind them of their own fallenness, which is probably too true. But I think I have a good reason outside of my own jerkishness.
I think Jesus said it well when he told the disciples not to let anyone call them "father" or "teacher." And I think that transfers over to this. "Reverend" simply means "one who is revered" and I can only think of one guy that's ever lived that should be revered. We only have one father, and he is creator of all. We only have one teacher and he died on a cross. And there should only be one who is revered.
Now, this presents the obvious problem that I am a pastor. I feel called to pastor and would feel less whole if I was doing anything else. The word has come to be associated with feelings of reverence, of the idea that this guy has some answers and that he/she has it more together than everyone else. However, I don't think that those ideas are inherent in the word.
I think it is simply a vocation and a calling to help the people of God stay on track. It is from the word for "shepherd" and though we ultimately only have one "good" shepherd, pastors are called to be earthly shepherds while he is not here physically. Difficult calling. Difficult to be the one without dragging the others into it.
Can we really fill the shoes of the One who is good temporarily? Can we do so without transferring some of his glory (intentionally or not) onto ourselves? Can we be pastors without be "reverends"? I think we have to try. I think we have to constantly remind our people both of our call and our low station. We have to serve in practice, we have to make ourselves less. We have to tell stories that do NOT glorify us. We have to seek humility above all. And none of that is easy.
But none are called that by me.
I refuse to do it.
And sometimes I worry that I am just being a jerk. That I just like to knock people down a notch and remind them of their own fallenness, which is probably too true. But I think I have a good reason outside of my own jerkishness.
I think Jesus said it well when he told the disciples not to let anyone call them "father" or "teacher." And I think that transfers over to this. "Reverend" simply means "one who is revered" and I can only think of one guy that's ever lived that should be revered. We only have one father, and he is creator of all. We only have one teacher and he died on a cross. And there should only be one who is revered.
Now, this presents the obvious problem that I am a pastor. I feel called to pastor and would feel less whole if I was doing anything else. The word has come to be associated with feelings of reverence, of the idea that this guy has some answers and that he/she has it more together than everyone else. However, I don't think that those ideas are inherent in the word.
I think it is simply a vocation and a calling to help the people of God stay on track. It is from the word for "shepherd" and though we ultimately only have one "good" shepherd, pastors are called to be earthly shepherds while he is not here physically. Difficult calling. Difficult to be the one without dragging the others into it.
Can we really fill the shoes of the One who is good temporarily? Can we do so without transferring some of his glory (intentionally or not) onto ourselves? Can we be pastors without be "reverends"? I think we have to try. I think we have to constantly remind our people both of our call and our low station. We have to serve in practice, we have to make ourselves less. We have to tell stories that do NOT glorify us. We have to seek humility above all. And none of that is easy.
8.20.2010
Performance Pressure
What happens if I bring a really crappy sermon tomorrow night? Will people understand that I just had a hard time prepping this week? Did I have a hard time, or was I lazy?
I should have included that movie I saw. There was a much better quote in a magazine. That was most likely not very good exegesis.
Those are thoughts that run through my head weekly. I struggle because on one hand, it is pretty important to the life of our church if I do a good job. But on the other hand, God is the only one that is really all that important. But I am also important.
It is always such a struggle. I am upset with myself for not having a perfect sermon, or for forgetting an announcement, or for not prepping as much as I should.
I don't really know if I'm going anywhere with this, but I guess if I am this is what I'm thinking: I have to do my best, but I also have to recognize that my best without God's intervention will always fall short. My worst with God's intervention will still work, but I think God much less likely to intervene if I am not putting forth the effort. And honestly, it might be awhile before I can spend the kind of time I would like on sermons and bible studies and whatnot.
I should have included that movie I saw. There was a much better quote in a magazine. That was most likely not very good exegesis.
Those are thoughts that run through my head weekly. I struggle because on one hand, it is pretty important to the life of our church if I do a good job. But on the other hand, God is the only one that is really all that important. But I am also important.
It is always such a struggle. I am upset with myself for not having a perfect sermon, or for forgetting an announcement, or for not prepping as much as I should.
I don't really know if I'm going anywhere with this, but I guess if I am this is what I'm thinking: I have to do my best, but I also have to recognize that my best without God's intervention will always fall short. My worst with God's intervention will still work, but I think God much less likely to intervene if I am not putting forth the effort. And honestly, it might be awhile before I can spend the kind of time I would like on sermons and bible studies and whatnot.
8.12.2010
The land between
I have been hearing a lot lately about a place between places. First at a leadership conference, then at a service in which my friend was playing percussion. Both sermons were about the difficulty of leaving a place that you knew wasn't the best, and journeying to a place that should be.
I think most of us have experienced that kind of pain. I knew I was supposed to be planting a church outside of the bible belt, but had to finish my seminary degree. I knew I wanted to marry Robin, but I had to wait for a proper wedding to be planned. When I was in high school I knew I wanted to be in college, but had to wait until after I graduated. And the list could go on. I have spent my entire life simply looking forward to the next event or thing that would make my life full.
And I think that approach is completely wrong. I think we are called to reject the very idea of a "land between." I know the best times of my life have been when I simply accepted those things which I could not affect and did my best to learn from them and live where I was.
That is what I think God is calling us to do. Forget about the destination, because until we die we won't make it there. Every time in our lives could be labeled "transition" and we think of every place we live a simple precursor to the great place in front of us.
But some things just aren't ready yet. The Israelites took 40 years to make an 11 day journey because they had much to learn in those 40 years. When we pretend that we are just biding our time until we are at a better place we completely discount the lessons and the growth that God has for us in those places. We are where we are, and sometimes we can't move ourselves. So we should learn to soak it in, be content and reject the idea that there is a perfect destination.
I think most of us have experienced that kind of pain. I knew I was supposed to be planting a church outside of the bible belt, but had to finish my seminary degree. I knew I wanted to marry Robin, but I had to wait for a proper wedding to be planned. When I was in high school I knew I wanted to be in college, but had to wait until after I graduated. And the list could go on. I have spent my entire life simply looking forward to the next event or thing that would make my life full.
And I think that approach is completely wrong. I think we are called to reject the very idea of a "land between." I know the best times of my life have been when I simply accepted those things which I could not affect and did my best to learn from them and live where I was.
That is what I think God is calling us to do. Forget about the destination, because until we die we won't make it there. Every time in our lives could be labeled "transition" and we think of every place we live a simple precursor to the great place in front of us.
But some things just aren't ready yet. The Israelites took 40 years to make an 11 day journey because they had much to learn in those 40 years. When we pretend that we are just biding our time until we are at a better place we completely discount the lessons and the growth that God has for us in those places. We are where we are, and sometimes we can't move ourselves. So we should learn to soak it in, be content and reject the idea that there is a perfect destination.
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