story

when i was a kid, i would often sit in my bed for an entire day and read. sometimes i would skip meals, delay going to the bathroom, or refuse to shower all because i was so wrapped up in these wonderful stories. most of the time the stories were about warriors and dragons, although sometimes they were about jedis or xmen. inevitably, i would reach the end and i would become incredibly sad. i was reminded of the feeling as i finished the last harry potter book. the feeling that this wonderful universe full of characters that you loved and knew is gone. the feeling that these loved ones are no longer available to you.

i suppose i was always so wrapped up in these stories because it gave me an escape from a life that i wasnt too fond of. i didnt like my family much, i felt like they just existed to make my life miserable (unfortunately it took me until college to realize just how good my sisters were to me, and how hard my mom always worked for me). so, instead, i immersed myself with characters that fought battles that mattered and people whose lives were full of impact, while mine, mine was simply me reading a book under my covers.

the reason i think endings make me so sad is that it just isnt natural. science, history, fact tells me that endings are a part of the world. people come and go in this world and that is always the way it has been and always the way it will be, until the universe itself goes. but when i compare that to the bible, i find a different story entirely. i find a book that tells me that life was not always on the verge of ending. and i find a book that tells me that someday, life will go on and on. someday, i will not have to be sad about endings, because they will merely, truly be new beginnings. that our creative creator will someday consummate his creation completely, will turn us into beings that will no longer have a finite timeline, will take us to a place that has not been ruined by our blaise sinfulness. i think we are always sad when things end because our hearts were made for eternity, and our god has intended for us much more than we currently are. we are discontent with our current lives for a very good reason, there exists for us a reality which we cannot even imagine. a place and a time that will not end, and that will not lead us to want to escape to fictional worlds or characters because the world in which we will live and the character which we will be will be the one designed for us from before the world. this is the hope that we have as christians, let us hope that he comes quickly.

the mirror of erised

i love the harry potter books, love them, and one of my favorite parts is that there is a mirror in the first one called the mirror of erised. in this mirror the person will see whatever is the deepest longing of his heart. dumbledore says that the happiest person in the world would look and see himself exactly as he is. i wonder what i would see?
many times i think i would see myself with a normal life, a life without so much difficulty, a life that i could grow up like a normal kid, knowing my dad, not living so afraid of being betrayed, afraid of being hurt. and then i think about some other people, and i think they might very well wish they had my life. they may have grown up without friends, they may not have a spouse who cherishes them deeply, they may not know their creator as a friend. i think what i would see is myself leading an easy life, but then i think about what god would wish me to see.
i think he would want me to see myself, standing very closely with him, and whatever it would take to get there.

moving on

it is always difficult to move on. we recently completed a move from a church we helped to start to a town where we are pretty much anonymous. this is a change. i am enjoying it so far, but we only have really one friend a piece here, so it will be a challenge. there are plenty of people i enjoy here in waco, but not a ton that i can really confide in, or talk to. so now we start afresh. we will have to learn people again, find a new place to belong and find new places to do what we like to do.
my heart is really in denver, and i know i should do my best to put all my energies into finishing my education in the coming year, the whole reason we moved in the first place. that will also be a challenge.

evangelism

for the two of you that regularly check out this blog, sorry for the delay in posts, i have felt uninspired lately. i need a change of scenery.

something that still provides me not only with regular mental exercise, but also an opportunity to share who god is are two of my coworkers at starbucks. their names are jimmy and chris, and i would ask if you know them to please not mention this blog. i value them for their friendship and i would never want them to believe that they were a project to me. however, they both claim to be atheists, and have a very bad taste for christianity in general.

chris grew up in a christian home, but somewhere along the way he was wounded by christians and turned his back on christ. jimmy didnt grow up in a christian home, but also has been wounded and negatively affected by christians in general. i feel like with both of them i have reached a level of relationship that i can be honest about what i believe, and know that they can be honest about what they believe. both are extremely intelligent and do not feel the need to pretend to be something they are not. this is the thing that breaks my heart about both, i asked each seperately if they would have an easier time believing in christ if christians werent such idiots so often. both said yes.

we each have to ask ourselves if we give people like this bad tastes in their mouths, or if we are sure that we represent christ accurately. only when we have done that, when we have earned the right to be listened to, can we share that the god of the universe loves these people, and that he wants desperately to know them and for them to know him. if we do not live as christ does, we do not earn that right.

faith

as robin and i begin to walk in what seems as if it will be a difficult time. i am reminded of faith. it seems like a very difficult thing, to believe in this god that is, at times, very much invisible and untouchable. i want very much to call him out, to say, hey do you realize the difficulty you are putting my beloved through, the agony she is feeling, the hard time she is having. but i know already at least a part of the answer he would give.

ye of little faith.

i doubt him after he cared so intensely and unfailingly for me and my family as we lost our primary provider, i doubt him after he has faithfully and completely provided for several mission trips that he called me to, i doubt him after he has gotten me safely thus far, still i doubt. but i can affirm, that every time, my faith, my relationship to this invisible god has been reformed, sharpened, galvanized by the crushing hammer strokes of difficulty, my faith has been shaped and molded by the adversity i have felt, why would it be any different for her?

she is on her journey as well, i believe he would say, she must have times that seem crushing, she must have times that seem like the end, otherwise she would not be refined, she would not be changed. that does not mean it is easy, no change is. but it does mean that in the end, we will look back and be grateful that we do not serve a god that promises the world, but a god that promises that some day, we will be made too great for this world, and we will only be fit for a new creation, one so fantastic that our current limited bodies would not be able to take if shown but a glimpse of it now.

that is the hope i hold, and although sometimes it feels much more like doubt, that is the faith i cherish.

humility

i read quite a few blogs, some just for what a friend calls "irritainment" and some for inspiration. most of them are christian in nature, and the thing that i come away with much of the time is, how arrogant can these people be?
i recently read a sign at starbucks, about ten minutes before i tore it down and threw it away, about a debate between ray comfort, kirk cameron and a couple of atheists. the sign talked about this debate and said that the audience was evenly divided between christians and atheists, but that the christians were very polite and well-mannered, while the atheists were rude and inconsiderate. my first question is, what relevance does that have? are we right because we were better behaved? i also want to know how they even know that.

so i guess what i think we have a problem with is that all too often we think we have it all figured out. as christians, people would be much more receptive to our message if we acted as if we didnt have it all figured out. we would all benefit quite a bit from larger doses of humility, we wonder often why jesus was so well-liked, but most churches are not. maybe its because we are so arrogant.

hell

c. s. lewis writes that hell is locked from the inside. the very essence of hell, according to lewis, is that you get your own way, you are left alone by god, to be alone. i think there is a lot to that.

maybe hell is not so much about god punishing us for what we have done, but more about allowing us to live with our choice. or i suppose, to die with our choice. when a person chooses against god and chooses against his eternal life, that person is choosing solitude, but when a person chooses eternal life, he is choosing community, relationship.

now it is certainly possible to choose relationship from a selfish standpoint, but i just wonder if that is even true relationship. is it possible to continue to progress in a relationship if it does not continually become more about the other person and less about ourselves?

i realize that according to some this may be venturing into the arena of heresy, but those people probably dont read this. i think it is very possible that hell should not be viewed a punitive in nature, but as the necessary option for those that do not wish to die to themselves, those who do not wish to choose relationship over self.