Worry

I don't really sit up at night fretting about paying bills or wondering why BP can't get their crap together. I haven't felt "stressed" in some time, to be honest. But there are tons of things that worry me. Things I wish for that may not materialize, things I want to see happen at church that are slow to materialize, things that, in all honesty, I can't control and would probably screw up if I could.

I wish we could have a child, but sometimes it seems like God doesn't hear our cry. I wish we could pay off debt, but every time it seems like we are about to make progress we have to do something like get tires or something like that. But when I am completely honest, I only worry when I focus on things that are seen versus the things that are unseen.

It is always honest when I look at Robin that she isn't pregnant, but what I can't see is the way that God is moving in our hearts and forcing us to wait on him. It is easy to look at my situation and know that I am basically working two jobs, but the unseen is that God is showing me that he will grow our church on his schedule (and some of that is contingent on others, but I have to see that not much of it is based on what I do). If our church does ever grow to a decent size and I can pastor full-time, I won't be able to pretend that I was the key element and hopefully I will be able to resist the easy pride. It's very easy to focus on the tangible fact that we rent our home and have decent sized student loan payments, but the unseen is that we are working for a kingdom that doesn't even possess currency because everything is given.

I have lots of hopes and wishes and dreams, but when I evaluate them closely, a good deal of the time they are fairly short-sighted and shallow. Those that aren't I just have to hope that God knows more than I do (and if he doesn't I'm screwed anyway).