Introspection

To me, one of the hardest things in life is realizing something about yourself that you wish wasn't true. I think, unfortunately, many of us simply ignore those things or brush them off. "Well, no one understands what it is to be me" or "If they had to walk in my shoes they wouldn't blame me" and those things might very well be true. But the thing is, that doesn't mean that we should just accept our shortcomings with a shrug and a grin.

So, this week I feel like I came face-to-face with a flaw that I don't think I ever realized I had, or at least hadn't put a label on it. I was annoyed with something and just got finished working out. As I was taking a shower it hit me pretty hard. I have a really strange phobia of not being heard.

I'm sure there are any number of psycholigical explanations, and probably if people are honest this is pretty normal. People want to be heard and to be listened to. But for a lot of my life, I think I had just pushed it aside, convinced myself that it didn't matter whether people heard me or not. But I don't think that was true. I think the simple fact of the matter was the for the longest time in life, no one was really listening so I became convinced that I didn't care if no one was listening.

Now, I am in a very odd position. I am at a church where I am listened to, almost too much. And I am at a job where I usually feel like every word falls on deaf ears. So, my desperate need to be heard is both being nurtured and shot to hell at the same time. I can look back and see times of frustration with a new clarity. I would say a good majority of the time that I am upset with people close to me it is because I didn't feel like they were listening.

And I think some of it goes deeper too. I think that everyone should always listen to me. There is a certain arrogance that says that my thoughts and ideas are always the best. My good friend Don told me that I needed to look inside to see my frustration. And he was right. If I let myself, I will be frustrated by others until the day I die. It is a near certainty that that will happen either way, but when it comes to this issue I think I can be less frustrated. I think the main thing is that I need to relearn to appreciate other people's ideas, thoughts and feelings. I need to reaffirm my need to have constant input, to look for insight in strange and new places, and to be open to others.