Sleep

These past few weeks, sleep has not been good. As a consequence, I had to go get some cream for circles under my eyes. Here I am, a 27 year old male, shopping next to a lot of 60 year old women. Robin got a good laugh out of it. The package only mentions when women should use it too... so that's pretty neat.

Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep at all. I think one of the main reasons is that we do not have place to meet for our first service yet, and that is about two and a half weeks away at this point. So, yeah, a little worried about that. Today I'm supposed to meet with the pastor of First Baptist Denver, and I'm really hoping that goes well. If not, I'm meeting with someone from the staff of Bethlehem Lutheran Church later in the day. So out of the two, I really hope one will work.

So last night I couldn't sleep because I was having a crazy dream. In my dream, I woke up about 30 minutes until my meeting. I rushed to get ready, and I made it to the church with about 5 minutes to spare, but I looked down and I was wearing a cutoff tshirt and athletic shorts! Crap. I didn't have time to run home and still make the meeting on time, and as I was deliberating what to do, Rufus woke me up.

I know I have recently had dreams that Palm Sunday came and we didn't have a place to meet, so I was panicking the day of. I feel like I am caught between several forces here.

The first is my perfectionist nature, at least with things I care about. I'm not a perfectionist with cutting my toenails or even with haircuts, but with church I want things to go perfectly. This turns out to be a problem, because a good church, by very nature, is pretty open about problems and issues. A good church never goes perfect because it is allowing people that are messed up to have a big part.

The second is my definition of success. I want Refuge to be an incredibly church, and I want to make a huge difference in the city of Denver. But I am defining "success" incredibly wrong. Success for Refuge has nothing to do with the entire city of Denver. Instead, it has to do with a guy who spent 8 years in prison, and because of Refuge he finally has a church that he loves, a place where he can become a minister, and a place where he can make a difference. It has to do with embracing people and helping them find God's purpose in their lives. Success is loving well, and by that definition, we are already well on our way to success. I just can't help but get mixed up with wrong definitions sometimes.

The third is God's propensity to give what we need only when we need it. God's kingdom is not built on surplus and capital, it is built on the obedience of God's people, and it is built just in time. The Israelites were not allowed to take more manna than they needed for the day. Jesus compared his people to the flowers of the field, who do not store things for themselves. So, sometimes God doesn't provide until just in time, and that is up to him.

I just hope today is just in time, I need some good sleep...