The late, great 2010

Doesn't really quite have any ring to it whatsoever... Well anyway, 2010 has come and gone and I'm preparing for 2011. I am looking forward to a plethora of good movies this year, a few good video games, and a chance to have a better 28th year than 27th. My 27th was anything but bad, but I want to be a better man this year. I am also extremely OCD about odd numbers, so my conundrum is always that either my age or the year are not both even, though I was born in an even year.

All that to say, I have spent some significant time working on some goals for 2011, so here we go:

Reading: Finish at least 40 new books this year, while mastering/rereading at least 10. This will probably be one of my easier goals.

Writing: 1. Blog at least once per week. And, since I haven't had this editor open since September, that will be a challenge. However, I did shoot out 52 posts last year, so I at least made the average right.

2. Begin writing seriously. No particular subject, but would like to start getting a lot of my memories written down.

Fitness: Drop about 30 pounds, and keep it off. Not sure why this is listed first, as it isn't really my main goal. My main goal is to be in much better shape. That will start, for me, by spending at least 40 minutes every morning doing cardio of some sort. Then, Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri at least 30 minutes lifting weights. I would like to average less than 1 DP per day in 2011, and most days, Mon-Sat, spend at least 1 hour in some sort of active pursuit.

Languages: Spanish. Would like to get a basic facility with Spanish. I took five years, so hopefully it isn't incredibly difficult to get back.

Greek. Need to translate at least on letter, work my way through a vocab book, and work through a basic grammar. Need to use this daily so that I don't suck at it.

Hebrew. Would like to build my basic vocab back up. Would like to work through a basic grammar and translate a short prophet or something like that. Ok if I suck at it, but right now I'm not even approaching sucking.

Relationships: I more than anything want to be a better husband this year. I don't think I have been terrible, but Robin deserves my full effort, and sometimes I haven't given that. I want to put the same kind of work into my relationship with her as I do many other things.

I want to develop relationships with pastors in town, and meet many non-Christians. I want to start being a regular at some places.

Hopes: These things are completely out of my hands, but they are things I am hoping and praying for anyway. First, that we could get pregnant and have a kid this year. Second, that we could find a church that is either dying or wants to share their building so we can have our own place to meet. Third, to be able to be full-time at church.

My hope is that by putting some of these things out there I can hold myself accountable to do them. I want to have a better 2011 and these are things that will help me do that.

The Reverend

In my line(s) of work, I deal with a lot of people who are in "ministry" in various places and forms. Some are very genuine, for all I know all are, and many seem to be practicing what they preach. Some are pastors and some are parishioners, some are educated and some are not. Some are called "reverend" and some are not.

But none are called that by me.

I refuse to do it.

And sometimes I worry that I am just being a jerk. That I just like to knock people down a notch and remind them of their own fallenness, which is probably too true. But I think I have a good reason outside of my own jerkishness.

I think Jesus said it well when he told the disciples not to let anyone call them "father" or "teacher." And I think that transfers over to this. "Reverend" simply means "one who is revered" and I can only think of one guy that's ever lived that should be revered. We only have one father, and he is creator of all. We only have one teacher and he died on a cross. And there should only be one who is revered.

Now, this presents the obvious problem that I am a pastor. I feel called to pastor and would feel less whole if I was doing anything else. The word has come to be associated with feelings of reverence, of the idea that this guy has some answers and that he/she has it more together than everyone else. However, I don't think that those ideas are inherent in the word.

I think it is simply a vocation and a calling to help the people of God stay on track. It is from the word for "shepherd" and though we ultimately only have one "good" shepherd, pastors are called to be earthly shepherds while he is not here physically. Difficult calling. Difficult to be the one without dragging the others into it.

Can we really fill the shoes of the One who is good temporarily? Can we do so without transferring some of his glory (intentionally or not) onto ourselves? Can we be pastors without be "reverends"? I think we have to try. I think we have to constantly remind our people both of our call and our low station. We have to serve in practice, we have to make ourselves less. We have to tell stories that do NOT glorify us. We have to seek humility above all. And none of that is easy.

Performance Pressure

What happens if I bring a really crappy sermon tomorrow night? Will people understand that I just had a hard time prepping this week? Did I have a hard time, or was I lazy?

I should have included that movie I saw. There was a much better quote in a magazine. That was most likely not very good exegesis.

Those are thoughts that run through my head weekly. I struggle because on one hand, it is pretty important to the life of our church if I do a good job. But on the other hand, God is the only one that is really all that important. But I am also important.

It is always such a struggle. I am upset with myself for not having a perfect sermon, or for forgetting an announcement, or for not prepping as much as I should.

I don't really know if I'm going anywhere with this, but I guess if I am this is what I'm thinking: I have to do my best, but I also have to recognize that my best without God's intervention will always fall short. My worst with God's intervention will still work, but I think God much less likely to intervene if I am not putting forth the effort. And honestly, it might be awhile before I can spend the kind of time I would like on sermons and bible studies and whatnot.

The land between

I have been hearing a lot lately about a place between places. First at a leadership conference, then at a service in which my friend was playing percussion. Both sermons were about the difficulty of leaving a place that you knew wasn't the best, and journeying to a place that should be.

I think most of us have experienced that kind of pain. I knew I was supposed to be planting a church outside of the bible belt, but had to finish my seminary degree. I knew I wanted to marry Robin, but I had to wait for a proper wedding to be planned. When I was in high school I knew I wanted to be in college, but had to wait until after I graduated. And the list could go on. I have spent my entire life simply looking forward to the next event or thing that would make my life full.

And I think that approach is completely wrong. I think we are called to reject the very idea of a "land between." I know the best times of my life have been when I simply accepted those things which I could not affect and did my best to learn from them and live where I was.

That is what I think God is calling us to do. Forget about the destination, because until we die we won't make it there. Every time in our lives could be labeled "transition" and we think of every place we live a simple precursor to the great place in front of us.

But some things just aren't ready yet. The Israelites took 40 years to make an 11 day journey because they had much to learn in those 40 years. When we pretend that we are just biding our time until we are at a better place we completely discount the lessons and the growth that God has for us in those places. We are where we are, and sometimes we can't move ourselves. So we should learn to soak it in, be content and reject the idea that there is a perfect destination.

Community is annoying

One of the main goals of our church is to be community. But the hard part about community is that at a certain point, every person in the world gets a bit annoying. Whether it is a way they ask questions, a way they drive, how they talk to you, what they wear, I dunno. At a certain point, the newness wears off, the friendship is comfortable, and something that that person does starts to get on your nerves a bit.

And I think that is one of the primary places that community happens. It is in recognizing that the person you are hanging out with is imperfect in many ways, that they are not always funny or cool or fun, and that they are just flat out pissing you off. To me, that is where and when community happens.

It happens in that decision to not be the jerk you are hiding deep inside, it happens in recognizing that you yourself are an arrogant know-it-all, and it happens in the place where you see them as a deeply flawed, annoying as hell, son or daughter of the living God. It is where you see in them a mirror that shines on you. And you are able to let go of the illusion that you are perfect and deserve a perfect community.

I am tempted next week at church to say something on the lines of "Welcome to Refuge Community Church, we are a deeply flawed, dysfunctional, strange family, and we would love to include you in what God is up to here." But everyone would probably be annoyed with me for that.

Bigger, Stronger, Faster

The documentary by that title is pretty fascinating. Basically, this buff guy follows around these other buff guys and tries to figure out why everyone hates Barry Bonds.

Well, that's not exactly it, but it is about steroids. And it is about everyone's reaction to steroids. And it's about the myths of steroids. Basically, the guy making the documentary comes to the conclusion that 'roids are a great way to get much bigger, strong and faster without too much risk, as long as they are done correctly.

And I think in our churches we have subscribed to the same notion. We have started to believe it possible to build our churches bigger, stronger and faster. We are shocked if our numbers stay in double digits much more than a month or two. We expect giving to increase annually and if it doesn't something is wrong. We want larger buildings, better fleets, faster sermons and bigger communities.

Basically, we want it all supersized.

And that really pisses me off.

Churches should be built person by person, brick by brick. If you told someone building a house that they should be able to get more than one brick going at a time, they would think you probably hadn't built a house. And if you told Jesus that 12 disciples were good, but 200 are better, he probably wouldn't care much. He would know what the bricklayer knows. And that is that quality takes time. Quality takes care and it takes patience.

And if we want to build a better kind of church, if we are looking to build a better kind of community, then it should take time. Lives don't change overnight, at least not on average. Lives change step by step, hour by hour. They change one relationship at a time. And people come to right relationship with Jesus over time, one step at a time, one tough decision at a time.

So while the temptation is to fill the doors in any way possible, I think we have to eschew that for the slow, difficult process of helping each person that comes our way. We have to help them so that hopefully soon, they can start helping someone too. And then, we have two helping hands instead of one. Then people are able to multiply, and then we have a strong foundation of a church slowly built. And I believe the original 12 would say we were on to something. But we can't take too much credit, Jesus was onto it first.

Why I am (usually) overwhelmed by God's goodness

Now, I have to throw in the (usually) in the title because, unfortunately I am sometimes so focused on my own personal wants or whatever that I forget the overwhelming goodness of God. But often at or before or after church I can't help but remember.

In an ideal world, I would only be employed by our church, I would be able to devote all my time to dreaming and thinking and studying and working on all those things. But this world is not that world. I don't have all kinds of time to devote to those things, notice my conspicuous absence from the blog scene all too frequently.

But even though I am not usually confident heading into church, somehow God regularly uses the words that I speak. It would be nice if it was due to some latent talent or incredible wit on my part, but truly neither of those things could change anyone. If I was the most talented speaker in the world, and if I had days and weeks to dream up clever and insightful things to say, at the end of it all only God can help people in the ways that they need. At the end, only God can effectively speak into people's hearts and minds.

None of that is to say that I am completely left out of the process. Not at all. The goodness of God is that he lets me help. He lets me be a coworker, albeit a vastly inferior one. I firmly believe that God, at his heart, is trinity. Because of that, God values community above all because he was community before everything else. He has invited us to take part in that community and that includes community work. In the community work, we labor to speak truth, to call to repentance, to laugh, cry and love well.

Sometimes I wish we would grow numerically more quickly, that God would bless us with hundreds, thousands overnight. But then I remember that my standards are not his, and my idea of success is a Porsche or a book deal. But God's kingdom is invisible, and his standard of success is simply: Did you love well?

Did you? Did we?

Family

The other night at church we talked about family. Specifically, the new family of God. I think that our blood family, our flesh and blood, are usually meant to be temporary measures (other than marriage). I think parents are only called to be parents for enough time to get their kids out into the world. Then, those kids are responsible to God.

Now, this topic is both easy and difficult for me for the same reasons. It is easy because my dad gave up on parenting pretty early. I honestly didn't have much of a relationship with him. My mom kind of gave up the ghost on parenting because she could only focus on making enough to get us by. My sisters are both great people, and my grandma may be the kindest person I have ever known, but ultimately none of them could fulfill the role that I would need. And I think that is true for all of us. It was probably easier for me to grasp because of the unavoidable observation that my family fell pretty short, specifically my dad and mom.

But because of that, I filled the void with friends, and with Christian community. While I am still very poor at community, I have been blessed to recognize the ultimate importance of it. God himself is community, God exists in three persons in one, God created us for community, so it is in our very DNA. And though our DNA family may seem like an end, it is, in my opinion, there to serve a temporary role of teaching us that we belong with others. Idiotic shows like the Bachelorette exist because at their deepest, most vulnerable, people long to be in community. So much that they will attempt to marry people they met a few months ago.

And while it is easy for me to point out idiocy there, it exists in sports teams, nerd conventions (like comic-con) and watching dumb movies. I don't think we should give up all those things, but I do think we should recognize the underlying need that they are manifesting. We all want to be part of the team, we all want someone to love us, we all want someone to share our interests, because we are, in some strange way, an extension of the eternal trinity.

Toy Story

So Robin and I went to watch Toy Story 3 the other night. It was, as Pixar usually is, excellent. Not too many laughs, but quite a few "frog in your throat" moments. I don't know if any Pixar will ever live up to Up in my mind, but I can still enjoy them quite a bit.

The statements that the movie made about community and togetherness were by far the strongest part, to me. There is a part when it looks like they are all about to be incinerated. As they are slowly moving toward this huge ball of fire, one by one they begin to reach out to eachother. One by one they join hands and turn to face their inevitable death. The poignancy of the moment is clearly that, though they will soon die, they will at least face it bravely with those that they love and hold dear.

From that point of the movie on, it seems clear that the characters have learned an important lesson. It doesn't matter what happens in life, what matters is who they are surrounded by. It matters more whose hand you are holding than where you are holding it. For life to be good, the community must exist. It is always my hope that I won't care so much where I am in life, or what I am doing or how much money sits in my bank account, but that I enjoy those around me, and that I choose to hold onto them rather than anything else. See, the toys didn't start to regret what kind of car they drove, or what kind of vacation they took or house they lived in. All they cared about was embracing community for that last five minutes.

Sometimes I think life would be more fully lived if it was always in the direct threat of death. But the problem is that it might be a little less genuine then. The real question comes into our lives when they are good. Will we choose to hold those people close, or will we choose to build up our 401k for a rainy day? On that rainy day, will we really care as much how much we have, or who we have it with?

Cuss words

I can't think of too many taboos in our society more commonly and voraciously held than that of the cuss word. I get a small pleasure from breaking that taboo from time to time, by either surprising Robin with a curse or uttering them under my breath at Grant in church. It is a childish pleasure, but nonetheless it is one I enjoy. And as I do it I feel the gratification of bucking the system and rejecting the absolute that I treasured as a child.

But there are times and places where I still would rather say anything than a cussword. In front of my boss, or in the middle of a sermon for instance.

So the struggle for me is that I do not think words themselves are good or bad, clean or unclean. I think 'shit' in english could very well mean 'you are beautiful' in some undiscovered dialect deep in the heart of China. Sometimes 'damn' and 'hell' are the only words that truly express whatever state or place you want to describe.

As I read over Romans 14, I see that Paul is talking mostly about eating and drinking (two things that lead to an excessive amount of judgement and stumbling in our society too...). But I can just as easily see him speaking it about cuss words. I see that I need to sometimes keep my mouth shut, and lots of times keep my cusswords unspoken, for the sake of "peace and mutual edification." (Rom 14.19) I see that sometimes my license with my mouth can lead to destruction, and it is wrong for me to cause others to stumble. If I am truly strong, I need to bear with the weak, because ultimately I am really weak, and need those that are strong to bear with me.

Critique and Courage

I have some lost time I need to make up for, so my goal is to try to blog each of the last few days of June. We'll see.

I watched part of an interview the other day on one of those news shows. They were interviewing some fo the Christian leaders of the younger generations. One of them was Gabe Lyons (I believe) and he said something that I have been kind of dwelling on for the past few days.

He said that part of the current movement is that they don't see it as a critique of the old guard. They just want to be thought of as a new movement in Christianity and that it is for others to decide if it is a critique.

I honestly have a few issues with that. Clearly Lyons didn't want to come across as a jerk or overly critical, but I think for us to actually make progress we need to admit that much of what we do is a reaction to previous screw ups. I think we should be a critique to those that have gone before us, just as they should critique us in some ways! If we don't then we are all just affirming how awesome we are all the time and probably won't make too much progress.

Our goal is to be a better kind of church. We must recognize that old models (and maybe having a model at all) are wrong or at least seriously flawed and that we can do better. We have to do this, not out of spite or frustration, but out of a deep desire/need to give Jesus the kind of body he wants us to be. Jesus wasn't afraid to make people feel like crap sometimes because that is one way to spur change. We should emulate that. Of course there is a good way to do that, we can be gracious in our rebukes, but the rebukes must come nonetheless.

It takes courage to offend, especially if we care what the others think or if we care about them in general. But "trusted are the scars from a friend" or something on those lines. We have to shout to the church the ways we have gone wrong, or we are just giving it up for dead. And it is certainly close to life-support now...

Worry

I don't really sit up at night fretting about paying bills or wondering why BP can't get their crap together. I haven't felt "stressed" in some time, to be honest. But there are tons of things that worry me. Things I wish for that may not materialize, things I want to see happen at church that are slow to materialize, things that, in all honesty, I can't control and would probably screw up if I could.

I wish we could have a child, but sometimes it seems like God doesn't hear our cry. I wish we could pay off debt, but every time it seems like we are about to make progress we have to do something like get tires or something like that. But when I am completely honest, I only worry when I focus on things that are seen versus the things that are unseen.

It is always honest when I look at Robin that she isn't pregnant, but what I can't see is the way that God is moving in our hearts and forcing us to wait on him. It is easy to look at my situation and know that I am basically working two jobs, but the unseen is that God is showing me that he will grow our church on his schedule (and some of that is contingent on others, but I have to see that not much of it is based on what I do). If our church does ever grow to a decent size and I can pastor full-time, I won't be able to pretend that I was the key element and hopefully I will be able to resist the easy pride. It's very easy to focus on the tangible fact that we rent our home and have decent sized student loan payments, but the unseen is that we are working for a kingdom that doesn't even possess currency because everything is given.

I have lots of hopes and wishes and dreams, but when I evaluate them closely, a good deal of the time they are fairly short-sighted and shallow. Those that aren't I just have to hope that God knows more than I do (and if he doesn't I'm screwed anyway).

Fitting in

We were talking about a book titled "Under the Overpass" and while it isn't the best writing I have ever read, the author brings up many difficult questions that Christians and churches must answer. One of the students in our ministry asked how we could help the homeless feel comfortable in our churches.

I'm not sure there is an easy answer, but I think whatever answer we have has to be sufficient for helping others feel comfortable as well.

I think we have to fundamentally rethink how we do and how we think of church. Currently, we think of church as being what we do on Sundays (or in the case of Refuge Saturdays) and we think that what we do between Sundays isn't so much church. However, the truth of the situation, in my opinion, couldn't be more different.

Church should be happening at home groups and coffee shops. Church should be breaking out in different parts of our cities and towns every day of the week. Sunday should be a celebration, a corporate gathering to rejoice in what has happened in the rest of the week, but it shouldn't be our primary outreach.

I think this is the answer to the question. It is difficult to be comfortable at a gathering if you know one or two people. But what if you have already met and gotten to know an entire group of people? What if you are homeless but you already have ten friends from home group? The same question applies to the homosexual population, single mothers, other races, basically anyone who has ever been ostracized.

This would make church growth harder. It would mean we can't rely on light shows and super-sermons to draw people in. It means we need to get to know people for who they are and not the number the represent. But I think it is doable. I think if we can start to do this somehow, then we will be rewarded with churches full of variety and life. We will see people with depth to their relationships and people come face-to-face with the call of God in their lives. My hope is that we can start this at Refuge, but it will take strength and perseverance.

Lost

I guess I am obligated to write my thoughts about the ending of Lost. It has been a cultural phenomenon for the past 6 years, and I have been addicted to it for about 5. I remember Robin and I started watching it on my laptop on the way to Oklahoma City, then we got our friends the Kinsers to watch a few episodes and they were hooked as well.

So like any massively popular finale, there were lovers and haters. I know a lot of people who did not like the last "Harry Potter" book, and those who hated the last "Dark Tower" book and pretty much anything that has been popular has had a somewhat controversial ending.

Now, obviously not all endings are created equal. I am typically a pretty loyal person to my entertainers. If they sell me early, I will generally like what they do late. But I do find it strange that people get so upset about endings. If it is too happy, they claim that it wasn't realistic. If it was overly realistic, they say it left a bad taste in their mouth. If it was depressing, they say nothing ends that poorly. As far as ending things, it seems you just can't win. Why is that? Why are people so negative about endings?

I think really good entertainment sucks people in. They think that they are part of the world that the authors, or directors, or creators, or whatever is their own world. It is really a tribute to the quality of the creativity of the artists. Then people start to think that the artist owes it to them to end it the way they like it.

To me, the main problem is that people can't just take things as they are. They can't appreciate things for what they are, they have to take them apart, explain why it wasn't perfect, and remember that one thing that was perfect, but in reality it wasn't. And so the beat goes on. Whatever is the band's newest album is never going to measure up, the guy's newest movie isn't up to part, his last painting wasn't as good as his early work. This is funny because I am perfectly capable of accepting people's art and things, but when it comes to theology I have to question everything... so I'm guilty too.

31

This friend of mine with a scar on his face and white hair on his head looked me in the eyes and I could see his welling up with tears. Beneath his rough, callous exterior (and I'm referring to personality) there were/are some deep hurts that he is just now coming to terms with. And as he was talking to me today, he told me that it had been 31 years since he took communion/lord's supper/eucharist at a church. And he took it at my church. I honestly don't think it has much to do with me or anything spectacular our church has done, but something spectacular that God has done in this man.

The deep symbolism of communion effects us all, whether we always notice or admit it or not. At our church my friend was reminded that his sustenance comes from the body and blood of Jesus, beaten and spilled on that Roman cross so long ago. And as he was telling me that, I was incredibly humbled by all of it.

There are tons of times when I wonder if I'm the right person for the job, or if I'm in the right job for my person, but times like today I know for a fact that God is the right God for redemption. And whether I'm the only person capable of doing whatever task, I don't know, but I do know that I can't help but want to be involved in those incredible times. I choose to be involved, and I trust that God will help me to do it well.

Tired head

I haven't blogged much lately because I have had a lot of tired-head. That means that I have gotten quite a bit of mental fatigue lately for several reasons. I started a new job at work on Monday, which I am really excited about, but in the typical new job fashion I have just had an overload of information dumped on me the past couple days. In addition, church has been going ninety miles an hour lately. We have a lot of little things that I meant to get done while we were doing home church, and though we didn't do it then, we can do it now and have to do it now. After all that, I'm designing a webpage for our church. It isn't that hard, but it isn't that easy either. It is learning a lot of things at once, so because of all that, my blogging has been struggling. I need to remember sometimes that it is ok just to update, and if I really want to write some day then I need to write today. So I need to be disciplined in that.

Where did we go wrong?

I was reading the twitter (vomit) of the pastor of the church that I grew up in. There were several tweets (washing my hands) about how people should be inviting people to this or that event or service at church. I just couldn't help shuddering at the thought. Then I ranted to my friend Nate for twenty minutes or so. Of course, my less critical friends probably think I am just overly critical, but I think this movement in our churches underlies a very dangerous theology of the church.

When did the church make people come to it? Isn't one of the key verbs in Jesus' commands to his followers "GO!"? Why did we morph that into "invite"? Because it is easy. Because we don't have to expect greatness from our people. Because that is the path away from discipleship and back to pharisees and church as institution rather than church as movement.

If the church is a movement, then that movement should be happening in coffee shops and at homeless shelters. It should be permeating people's lives rather than just their Sundays. It should be something that is impossible to stop because it is impossible to nail down. At the moment, it is incredibly easy to nail down church and to stop it cold because it happens on Sunday mornings and to a lesser degree on Wednesday nights. That is what happens when we turn into "invite."

But if we change into "GO!" then we don't have to worry about Sunday's attendance. If we are being the church everywhere we go, then we will invariably run into people who might also catch it. And slowly and surely, the world might catch it.

So why is this bad theology? Because biblical theology says that Christians are always the church. Everywhere they go and everything they do is church. Anytime we gather and pray, that is church. Anytime we gather and watch football, that is church. Anytime we laugh together or cry together, that is church. "Invite" says that church happens at a specific time and place, but "GO!" says that church happens at all times and all places. It says that the kingdom of God expands better in places that are separate from religion and places that are not threatening to outsiders. We don't have to go to Somalia or Russia, we can go to Colfax or Park Avenue.

Ownership

One big step on the way to being a functional person is ownership. Not home ownership, or car ownership. I'm talking about owning your choices.

I have to think that some of the sweetest words God ever hears are these: "Man, I really screwed that up." Why? Because only after we say something along those lines can we really begin the path back to good. How can we possibly try to get better if we never admit that we messed up to begin with?

This thought comes from a difficult discussion we had to have at church this weekend. I'm not going to try to give too many details, but essentially we were talking to a man who has struggled with addiction for twenty plus years. He bounces around from place to place, drinking or using drugs and using people. He had spent the past ten months clean and in a rehabilitation program. Then he left, a little more than a week passed, and he was moving in with his girlfriend and had been drunk a couple times.

So he came to church Saturday night, and we had to have a talk. Several of the men from our leadership team and I spoke with him for more than an hour, trying to get him to understand the ramifications of his choice. But he either could not or would not admit that he had made any bad decisions. He wanted to continue on a path to be in ministry, all while still making counter-productive choices to that end. He wanted to be able to have all the things this world offers, but also to have the riches of the kingdom of God. But none of us can have it both ways. Jesus makes it clear over and over and over again. We can either have him and nothing else, or we can have all that we want and not him. Now, most of the time I believe that he gives us much more than just himself, but all we can expect is him. And our friend would not own his choice. He had chosen a girl over his church family, but he wouldn't admit it. He continued to try to blame anyone but himself. And that is why I'm sad, discouraged and not so hopeful for his future. Until he can admit his shortcomings, until he can have the strength to say he messed up, he will not be able to get back on the path God wants for him.

I will say, though, that I couldn't be more proud of the rest of our church. They were loving, but they were firm. They spoke their peace and allowed him to go his own way. Our people loved someone that, statistically, does not show great promise. And they did it with some recklessness.

Hurt

The temptation is to get rid of the object of hurt. The temptation is to remove yourself from a place where you can be hurt again. The temptation is to refuse to care because if you don't care you can't be hurt. It would be nice. It would be great to be insulated from pain. To know that the only person who can let you down is you.

But that is not the way God wants us to be. We recently had someone leave Refuge and say some hurtful things on the way out. He believed he had a legit reason to be hurt, but we cannot think of anything that we could have done. And we may very well have done something... but we might not have. To me, it all comes back to what we do after someone is hurt.

The easy way is to simply be angry, or write that person off. The easy thing is to try to find ways that people in the future can't hurt us again. The easy way is to insulate and isolate. Unfortunately, our friend took the easy way, and that leaves everyone else in the lurch. It leaves us wounded and looking to blame.

And the cycle continues.

We worked through a couple books during our home church phase, "Exclusion and Embrace" and "The Emotionally Healthy Church" and both books talk ad nauseum about taking our issues directly to one another. God created us for community, and community always has the potential to be painful, thorny and uncomfortable. But this is a step God commands us to take as we seek to become better citizens of his kingdom. We are called to confront one another in love. We are called to love in honesty and embrace even when it hurts.

Mine

I am reading a book called "Free of Charge" by one of my favorite authors, and I was just blown away by something I read. Volf said that if all the "Christians" in the United States gave ten percent of their income to the poor, then the poor of the world could be fed. Most Christians believe that we are called to tithe ten percent to begin with, so, basically, if we all did what God has asked us to do... there would no longer be children dying of starvation in our world.





I had to just sit back and think about that for a minute. It is borderline devastating to me. If we were but faithful as the church, then hunger could end.

Hunger could end.

I just honestly am completely shocked by that. The estimation was that something like 165 billion dollars would be raised. I think that would probably be enough money. Even if it wasn't enough to feed everyone, I can hardly imagine the kind of good we could do with that kind of money. We could build humongous crosses and sanctuaries made of glass, we could have sweet flat screens...

Actually, I think some of that crap is exactly why many don't give. We aren't sufficiently inspired by what our money is going to. We see cool stuff, sure it is great to be able to read powerpoint and to have neat crosses. But do we ever see the irony of making 200 foot crosses? The greatest gift given of all time is suddenly turned into a symbol of wasteful spending. As a church, we must stop spending in ways that make sense to the rest of the world, but in generous, lavish ways that only make sense in the economy of God. We should all be ashamed.

Rock Bottom

The question we have to ask as we are approaching the bottom is, what will I do differently now?

I have a friend who was recently kicked out of a treatment program. He came by to talk to me tonight, and he was pretty sad. I could smell the beer he drank earlier, and through tears he told me about his addictive behavior with tramadol. He hasn't ever had to be homeless or live on the streets before, but he is now. As he was sitting in front of me crying, he told me that he didn't want to go through this again.

So I asked him what he was going to change this time around. He said try harder, be more honest, etc. And I think those are good things, but I'm not sure if they are the answer. To me, he needs to be more open to community, allow people to see his weakness, and find ways to let people help him. He needs people to be honest about the way he is acting, but at the same time that will continue to embrace him.

As he was crying he told me that he had really betrayed my trust. I gave him a handheld video game last Christmas, and he confessed that he sold it for some pain pills. I had to resist the temptation to simply say "it's ok," because it wasn't. My feelings weren't particularly hurt, but I was disappointed. However, people from addictive families or that know the behavior will many times simply want to make the problem go away. One of the ways to do that is to say things like "it's ok." But in order to really help people when they do something wrong, we must admit that what they did was certainly not ok. We have to reach for forgiveness, but we can't simply let the wrong go away. Many times that is the worst thing we can do.

My prayer is that he makes different choices this time. I hope that he allows people to be close to him, especially people that just might hurt him. I hope that he perseveres, but also that he realizes that he can't just "try harder" to make it all go away. He has to change his habits.

Spring forward

It seems like things are really revving up now. The weather outside is beautiful, I can wear polos every day to work, and I think the snow is done. I love the new beginnings of spring, and I love that every passing day means football season is one day closer. Rufus has been particularly frisky lately, but I'm hoping that I can take him on bi-daily walks soon. That would be good for both of us...

In times past I have lamented that there is really nothing permanent in life. Relationships change, bodies grow or shrink, people get sick or well, my eyes get worse all the time... but as I'm thinking about the seasons of the world, i am realizing that God loves a great story. And if there were only permanence in our world, there would be no real stories.

Stories are great because they (hopefully) show us characters as they go through struggles and successes. They show us people like us that wish things were better, people that sometimes screw up, and people that persevere. I think God has infinite patience, but also a touch of ADD. In order to keep the story moving, God institutes a natural ebb and flow of life. He puts borders on our days, weeks and years. He gives us morning, spring and dusk.

I think, someday in a galaxy far away, God will maybe cease certain changes. He will get rid of death and illness. But I think he may keep good changes. He will encourage our spirits to grow, for us to play, he will continue seasons and times. And I think we will all appreciate the changes and patterns. Maybe we can learn to do that a little here and now...

The Glory of God

I have a lot of ill feelings about the title of this particular post. Not because I have an issue with the concept behind it. Not at all. I have an issue with the shoehorning that has been done with that phrase ever since Calvin decided that God was incredibly selfish and Piper decided that in God's case, selfishness is good. But I don't think that is true.

I think God emptied himself, he gave of himself, he died on a cross. I think God doesn't really care about himself except as far as it is good for others. I see this primarily in the cross, but if Jesus is our best idea and representation of who God is and what he does, then the cross is the ultimate expression of that.

So, according to those guys above, God was so concerned with glorifying himself that he began things by creating beings that were capable of not glorifying him. Then he proceeded to humble himself to their level, die a cursed death and be buried in a borrowed grave because he was so concerned with his own glory. Then, instead of making his resurrected state undeniable, he only showed up to a limited few, and expected these broken, stupid fishermen to carry his glory to the nations. Now, he makes his residence in sinful, gluttonous, lying, lustful people. All to glorify himself...?

Now, the immediate reaction is generally incredulity, because we have always been taught that this is why God did all those things. For his own glory. We have been taught that it is ok for God to break his own rules. But why? By that same criteria, would it have been ok for Jesus to rape women, because they couldn't love anyone more worthy? Or would it have been ok for Jesus to steal from people, because their money is best used in his hands?

God and Jesus are worthy of all the glory, but I think it is partly because the triune God has been so unassuming of it. God has put aside all that is rightfully his because he wanted to be known, to be known and loved. And those things can only be done freely. And if God made his presence known in an undeniable way, then freedom would have been denied. God doesn't require glory because he loves glory, but he will ultimately be glorified because he is love. Love conquers all, and I believe very strongly that God would tarnish his own glory in order to save his beloved creation, what else is the cross?

Malaise

Maybe not the exact feeling, but I have just had a general feeling of... blah today. Malaise isn't exactly right because I don't feel ill or anything, I just don't feel like doing anything.

I had several tasks I needed to do today, sermons to write, things to work on, people to email, etc. But I just couldn't muster the motivation to do any of them. I ended up just reading updates on comic books that I never kept up with when I read comic books.

But I guess all that is ok. Was that why God took a day off after the first six? He had just done some pretty fantastic work, and he just kind of felt... blah? Probably not, but I like to think about it anyway. We have all gotten to the point that we have elevated God above personhood. Despite the fact that one of the defining characteristics of the Christian God is that he is a personal being, we often times want to make God seem so much above personal characteristics that he is completely unapproachable and nearly unknowable. All that is a different story for a different day though. I have too much malaise for that today.

Weird

So at my friends' wedding this past weekend, I was standing in the drink line. They had an open bar that night, and most of the people in their 20s were taking full advantage. So this guy I met about an hour earlier sidles up next to me and starts yacking in my ear.

His name was Paul, and he was a tall blond guy, and he was pretty strange. He had clearly had quite a bit to drink, but not so much that he couldn't confess some very strange things to me. He started telling me that he was a bad guy (his words), and that he was going to do some bad things after the wedding. He rambled on about some money and going to a certain part of town. The weirdest part of all this to me? He prefaced it all by confirming that I was "a preacher" (again, his words). I told him that I was in ministry, and then he began to dump his sins on me.

It was surprising to say the least. But as Paul was having his verbal diarrhea in my direction, I wondered what possessed him to do that. I think deep down, we all want to just bare our dark secrets to people. We want to feel released from our weaknesses and our downfalls. I think Paul wanted to be absolved somehow, for someone to tell him he was ok, and that it wasn't a big deal.

Honestly, I would have loved nothing more than to do that. That was kind of impossible for a few reasons. The first was that I had no idea what he was really talking about. The second, and more important, is that I don't think it works like that. I don't think that we can simply verbally unload our wrongdoings and they go away. It would be great if they did. But I have to believe that Jesus died for a reason. And if Jesus died for a reason, then it was in some way to help people do something that they couldn't do themselves. And if that is the case, then we somehow have to buy into his plan to get the benefits.

We all desperately wish we could just speak our sins and they would vanish. But the clear price of sin is that we have killed our souls. After that, we have a couple options. We can buy into the death Jesus died, and let him take care of our sins, or we can continue to try to get rid of them ourselves. Those are not things you explain to Paul in the drink line at a wedding celebration when he has clearly already had too much. But they are things I can hope and pray that someone will be able to share with him, because I think deep down, we all want to get rid of the terrible weight of our wrong doings.

Love

Robin and I went to a wedding of some our good friends this past weekend. So I had a small role in the wedding, and after my part was done I stood there thinking about what marriage is supposed to be based on. I think it should be based on love, but I think many times we sorely misunderstand what love means and what it is.

Love is not that you think your beloved is always hot, or that you don't ever get annoyed with them. Love is not about pretending that your beloved is flawless. Love isn't about butterflies or good feelings. It isn't always being with that person or even necessarily about respecting that person. It isn't about wanting to start a family or buy a house. Love isn't about Train songs or sex.

Easy enough to say what love isn't, but what is it?

Marital love is covenant. That is all.

Love is about being true to someone even if you don't feel like it that day. Hopefully it starts with some kind of warm fuzzies. Hopefully there are some basic attractions at the beginning, hopefully love songs break out during your first kiss and all that. But that type of infatuation should gradually be replaced by something much more real, and much less emotional. It should be replaced by knowing someone and being known. It should gradually come to realize that the beauty in the beloved was not really ever about the external beauty, but about some internal beauty that was merely shining through in the beginning.

This is why we suck at marriage in our country. We don't recognize the old as it is leaving, and we panic and don't recognize the new as it comes in. We mistake the first types of feelings for real love, but in reality they are mere infatuation. We think that for some reason we should always get tingly, but really we are settling for McDonald's when we are offered prime rib. We just don't have the patience to cook it or to wait for it. We settle for the lesser because that is all that is depicted in crap movies and stupid love songs. We think for some reason that these celebrities who can't stay faithful for a few months are more qualified to speak of marital love than the God who created us all. God loves in the way that we should love, and that is in a covenental type of way.

Artists

I was walking Rufus around the neighborhood thinking about art. I thought about all the best artists, the best poets, the best writers, actors, painters, sculptors, inventors, musicians. Now, because I am woefully ignorant as far as who the best of each of those are, I just thought about a few names that jumped to mind: Leonardo Da Vinci, Robert Frost, Stephen King, Ben Franklin, Michelangelo, Beethoven. The reason those guys are all so great is because they did so many great things. They didn't seem to run out of ideas. Now, that is probably pretty obvious. But then I started thinking about what that means about creation, and by extension the creator.

Typically, Christians get up in arms about the age of the universe. And, I suppose there is good reason. Usually those that get up in arms about it say that they are upset because they want to protect the bible or something like that (does the bible really need protecting?). But I think it could be something else entirely.

There is a particular branch of philosophy, though I'm sure some deny this is a philosophy, called humanism. Essentially, it elevates humanity to the central importance of the universe and considers religion and the supernatural to be absurd, or at the least irrelevant.

Now, what if those three things are all related? What if creation, humanism and a young earth are all the same or a similar discussion?

This is what I think. I think people are so upset about the idea that the earth could be billions of years old because that opens the possibility that God has been doing some other things for billions of years. It opens the possibility that humanity is not the most important thing ever created, or that we are at least not the most central. It opens the possibility that God has created, for lack of a better word, other peoples or races that he also loved. It opens the possibility that God is indeed the most magnificent creator/artist to ever exist, and that God is constantly creating and moving and doing new things.

If a human father can have several children and love them all equally, and if a human mother can remember all the wonderful things about each of her 15 children or whatever, then why couldn't an infinite Being love billions and trillions of created beings in unique and whole ways?

Obviously this is pure speculation, but in my opinion people get so bent out of shape about the possibility of having a very old earth because they start to feel their place in the universe threatened. But if God loves us, and Jesus died for us, then why would we ever think that we were going to lose our spot? And if in the first book of the bible it seems like God is working with some matter or place that already exists, and in the last book of the bible God talks about new creation, new heaven and new earth, then why couldn't God continually be creating new and wonderful things?

Order from Chaos

The beginning of Genesis is a pretty interesting read. Typically Christians have interpreted Genesis 1 to mean that God has created ex nihilo or, from nothing. However, the passage does not explicitly say that. Now, the danger to saying that God did not create everything from nothing is that the earth and all that is would have been co-eternal with God. This leads to a type of dualism which Christians have rejected out of hand since the beginning of our faith. Many other Christian scriptures seem to indicate that God created everything ex nihilo so that doesn't become all that much of an issue.

But I guess the question becomes, what is the point of Genesis 1, if not to say that God created everything from nothing?

Most modern scholars agree that Genesis 1 was probably written during the Baylonian exile, and that it was most likely originally a type of song. It was an affirmation that in a way, God conquered the chaos of a "formless" and "empty" world and injected order and meaning into it. The people were struggling with doubts because their God had failed them. He had let them be conquered by a pagan people, deported and ruled over by a bunch of jerks. Now they needed some reassurance. So the priests, or I guess whoever still had some faith, decided to compose this song. The song affirms that God brought order, love, meaning from the initial chaos that existed in the world. He can bring order, love, meaning to the person's life who is stuck behind enemy lines. He can bring those things to the person who has commited some pretty awful crimes. He can bring meaning to the person who has lived a poor story and the person who has sat on their couch for years.

I think it is all and well to say that God created everything from nothing. And that is spectacular. But to me, it doesn't really help the person who is struggling with alcohol, the guy who is about to be released from prison, or to the mother who just lost her only child. But if Genesis 1 is affirming that God brought something wonderful from the darkness and chaos, then I think that means something to those people. If God can bring meaning and light to a world that was filled with emptiness and darkness, then God can bring peace and love to a situation filled with despair and hate.

Redemption

It was a pretty difficult weekend. To begin, I had two services to speak at. We had a Good Friday service and an Easter Saturday service. In addition, I had to be at work both of those days at 5.30 in the morning. Because of the holiday weekend, we had a lot of special events at work. Then on top of it all, I was really worried about two of my good friends.

But I was talking to another of my friends about the process of redemption. We were talking about how it is hard, and how it hurts sometimes to be going through the process. He recently started dating someone, and we were talking about both of their baggage. In the past, he has really treated women poorly, and one of his deepest longings is to somehow do it right for once.

I think the problem most of us run into with redemption is thinking that it will work out perfectly. We have been fed this idea that fairy tale endings happen sometimes, but really (and this is Don Miller's idea) every story ends with death. We think that somehow at some point, we will get everything fixed and leveled and we will be able to make up for all the crap we have done. But what if we never get it all fixed and leveled, and what if we never get to redeem the idiotic things we have done? What if we just have to accept those things? What if we just have to trust that someone else has already redeemed them for us, and that he alone can get everything fixed and leveled?

The thing is, I really believe that God gives us chances in life to make things up, but many times it is nothing like what we believed or dreamed. Maybe in my life, making things up is helping redeem the sins and faults of my father, loving men that have really screwed up, and helping them to find redemption. What if my weekend was redeemed by refusing to walk away when it was hard? What if my friend's redemption is learning to love because he has hurt and been hurt? What if, in our deepest hurts and weakest moments, God is waiting to redeem in our weakness? What if it is nothing we can do, and everything all at the same time, but maybe in different senses? Or maybe I'm just exhausted and needed to ramble.

Introspection

To me, one of the hardest things in life is realizing something about yourself that you wish wasn't true. I think, unfortunately, many of us simply ignore those things or brush them off. "Well, no one understands what it is to be me" or "If they had to walk in my shoes they wouldn't blame me" and those things might very well be true. But the thing is, that doesn't mean that we should just accept our shortcomings with a shrug and a grin.

So, this week I feel like I came face-to-face with a flaw that I don't think I ever realized I had, or at least hadn't put a label on it. I was annoyed with something and just got finished working out. As I was taking a shower it hit me pretty hard. I have a really strange phobia of not being heard.

I'm sure there are any number of psycholigical explanations, and probably if people are honest this is pretty normal. People want to be heard and to be listened to. But for a lot of my life, I think I had just pushed it aside, convinced myself that it didn't matter whether people heard me or not. But I don't think that was true. I think the simple fact of the matter was the for the longest time in life, no one was really listening so I became convinced that I didn't care if no one was listening.

Now, I am in a very odd position. I am at a church where I am listened to, almost too much. And I am at a job where I usually feel like every word falls on deaf ears. So, my desperate need to be heard is both being nurtured and shot to hell at the same time. I can look back and see times of frustration with a new clarity. I would say a good majority of the time that I am upset with people close to me it is because I didn't feel like they were listening.

And I think some of it goes deeper too. I think that everyone should always listen to me. There is a certain arrogance that says that my thoughts and ideas are always the best. My good friend Don told me that I needed to look inside to see my frustration. And he was right. If I let myself, I will be frustrated by others until the day I die. It is a near certainty that that will happen either way, but when it comes to this issue I think I can be less frustrated. I think the main thing is that I need to relearn to appreciate other people's ideas, thoughts and feelings. I need to reaffirm my need to have constant input, to look for insight in strange and new places, and to be open to others.

All the wrong things...

I remember when I first learned to play sports. I loved thinking about hitting the game winning home run, sinking the game winning three pointer, or beating the buzzer with a "boomshakalaka" dunk. Those are the types of things I wanted to do to win in sports. And those things are great... unless that is all you can do. The guy that hits a lot of homeruns but bats .192 isn't a really great asset to his team. The guy that drains most threes but can't play defense or rebound or pass or dribble? He drains his team of one whole position for the whole game; the same for the guy who can only dunk. The reason it took me a long time to "get it" as far as basketball goes is because I never understood the principles of the game.

My frustration with the American church is the same. We are so worried about being "purpose driven" and seeing our numbers super-sized that we ignore the fundamentals of the game, if you will.

Why did Jesus come? To reconcile the world to God. I don't see anything about moving people from crowd to core or growing numerically. The fact is that sometimes doing God's will in the world makes us less popular rather than more. Sometimes we must take the role of prophet in the world, and most of us forget the the prophets were the equivalent of the stinky kids in class. They didn't have friends, they didn't get the chicks, and they sure didn't seem "purpose driven."

The disciples? Sure, they were driven by purpose, but it wasn't the purpose of growing their church. It was the purpose of growing God's kingdom. Now, the common assumption is that those things are synonymous, however, I don't think they always are. The church is called to live in strange counter-cultural ways, not to always grow "bigger and better." Do churches need McDonalds in them? Do churches really need parking garages or state of the art fitness centers? I don't think so. Now, I'm not sure that having those things is sinful, but it certainly isn't the best God has called them to.

So what is the best God has called the church to? Not sure that can ever be adequately answered, but I'll give it a shot. I think the church is called to be scattered at times, to be spread out among the people that don't believe. I think the church is called to be salt, and you never want too much salt in one place. I think the church should value fitness and good parking, but those can be done in a different kind of place. I think the church should be messy, organic and never homogenous. Each local church should be a unique manifestation of the church universal. We shouldn't be concerned if we are too small or too big. Do we trust God to draw people, to woo them?

Each church meeting should be a dangerous expression of the strange union between the divine and mortal. We should be creative, on edge, seeking something new, every time. We should ask the questions that people in power are afraid to ask. We should advocate for the weak, especially for the weak. We should be the staunchest supporters of those who we believe to be wrong. Most churches believe homosexuality is a sin, but most churches should be loving gay people with fierce determination. Most churches believe abortion is a sin, but those Christians should be loving the people who have and give abortions in a way that makes no sense.

Most of all, church should be a place where everyone is embraced. Church should be a place where we can't help but encounter a real God and his real (flawed) people. It should be a place where we can't help but be changed. Moving people from the crowd to the core is stupid and disingenuous.

Defense

When did the church decide that they should always be on the defense? Who decided that one of the central ideas of the bible was that God hated Darwin and evolution? When Jesus talks about the gates of hell, I suppose those are used as an offensive weapon in the afterlife?

When I look around at the Christianity I was raised in and that I came to love, I see a lot of defense. I see people that are quick to point out why others are wrong. I see groups that are more worried about losing something than gaining the whole world. I see a sad state that makes me a bit depressed sometimes.

In basketball and most other competitive sports, a good defense can win most games for you. If you can keep the other team from scoring, you can usually win... obviously. Usually defense is more about fundamentals and execution. And I guess that is why a defensive model for church is so popular in the United States.

If we run around telling people who and what ideas are looking to steal their soul, then we can maneuver them as we please. People are terrified of losing things. They think "Gee, if I give in on this point, if I admit that God may not have created in six literal days, then how can anyone trust that Jesus rose from the dead?" or "If we admit that our politics are not right all the time, then people may think they are wrong all the time." But neither of those is coherent.

Of course, God could have created all that exists in 6 literal days. But why couldn't he have used millions, billions of years? Does it really have any bearing on who Jesus was and is? And what if, as Christians, we were wrong to believe in capitalism, or democracy? Would that mean that we would suddenly have to abort every baby? We are making connections that do not exist, because we are playing defense only.

The church started as a radical, dangerous movement. People were uncomfortable with Christianity because the people who believed it were so loving, they embraced community in such a way that it made people see what was lacking in their own lives. What if, instead of letting culture decide what we think, or political parties, what if we evaluated everything against Jesus? Would Jesus really have set up a weird video series of "Evolution vs Creation"?

I think we need to push the tempo, encourage innovation, embrace learning. If we really believe that God created the world, then God created the science the governs the world. And if God is true, then won't it become, at least somewhat evident? Defense wins championships, but offense sells tickets. If we believe the Easter story, the championship is already won. What we need to do is show people that it is a life worth living, or, in a way, a show worth attending.

Foods

One of the things that I have really felt like I have been missing the mark on is the way I eat. I eat like a slob most of the time. I have candy very regularly, I have Dr. Pepper way too much, I eat fried food and fast food probably ten times a week. It just isn't good.

So my sweet wife took me to Sunflower Market. We bought a bunch of healthy veggies and stuff to make good salads. I start tomorrow, and I plan to eat a salad for lunch four days a week.

The main reason for this is vanity. I have more of a belly than I would like, and I would like to drop to around 190. I have been working out like a fiend, but I have lost absolutely zero pounds. So, I am looking to work out harder, and eat better.

But the deeper thing is that I know God has called me to be a good steward of the things he has given me. In reality, I have not been a great steward of my body. I need to take better care of those things I have been given, and my body is the most important thing I have ever been given.

Less than a week.

That's right. Less than a week before Refuge Community Church kicks off. It has seemed like such a long build up, from the embryonic stages in Brownwood, to the serious planning in Waco, to the hours of mentoring preparing paperwork, to the seven months of meeting as a home church, to now.

I honestly wish I had more time, there are so many more things I would like to do. But I also know that all the necessities are taken care of. We have a wonderful core of people. We started with a very trustworthy, faithful friend handling the finances (something that is absolutely essential), added a hard-working friend with the heart of a true servant leading up our small groups, and then we added an extremely talented musician who wants to learn. And those are just the guys in official roles. There are too many wonderful traits in our people to list or mention, but needless to say I'm excited.

But at the same time, I am anxious. How will we respond to difficult situations? Will our leadership rise to the occasion, or will we let pressure implode us? How will I respond when things happen that I don't want to deal with, or what if I do want to deal with it, but feel like it is wisdom to let it play out? Can I trust God to take my mistakes and make a beautiful mosaic from them? What happens if no one comes? Will I be satisfied ministering to those we already have, or will I fall prey to the awful numbers game? Will we include new people, will we lovingly rebuke those who need it?

It comes back to call for me. I have to trust my call to Refuge, and I have to trust that God called our leadership team. It is easy to trust God on those that have already stepped to the plate, but not so easy to trust those that have struck out a few times. I have to trust that the Spirit that moves in me also moves in the people I seek to serve. And if that is the truth, he may be speaking to them in ways that I'll never understand. I love our church as it is, but I know that God calls church to grow, to change, to be like a living organism. My hope is that God will give me wisdom to lead in that way, that he will give our people patience to bear with me while I learn, and most of all that he will fill us all with love for one another and for our community.

Sigh

Sometimes that is simply all I can do. I am, like anyone else, of the opinion that I am right more often than not. I believe that my personal political preferences are more ethical and that they reflect biblical values more than those that I disagree with. I'm still not alone there. But can we all be right? Of course not.

So should we all just shut up about it? Not mention our disagreements? I think not. The problem is not that we argue, but how we argue. Have you ever argued with someone and regardless of how right you are or what you say, they refuse to concede a point? I have been that person, and they really don't learn. But if we are ever to make progress, if we are ever going to get beyond stupid partisanship, we all have to enter discussions with open minds, and more importantly humble opinions of ourselves.

Why is it so frustrating to try to discuss important issues with people who will not listen? I think it is an underlying superiority expressed. It is a thought process that says that you are not as intelligent as me, so I will not listen to anything you say. It is usually accompanied by some condescension, and usually leads to a fair amount of rage.

The funny thing about it is that some of the smartest people I have ever known were some of my seminary professors. Dr. Sands, Dr. Olson, Dr. Tucker, Dr. Foster, Dr. Gregory, Dr. Gloer, and on and on. And when someone disagreed with those guys, they patiently listened, offered their thoughts, and validated the other person's point of view. I believe that those men were so smart because they refused to dismiss people based on those people disagreeing with them. Since graduating, I have thought a lot about this. It is my goal to emulate those brilliant profs of mine, and though I am most of the time very stubborn and believe I am right, I have to think I'm getting better.

*Edit*
This is further exacerbated because the guy I'm thinking of today compared "nigger" to "teabagger" saying that they were equally offensive. Then when everyone said that clearly the former was much more offensive, he refused to recant. White people should never pretend that they understand the deep offense that that word causes.

The Economy of God

I'm in the process of reading a book by one of my favorite authors, Miroslav Volf (if you would like to know more, click the link to the right for "Exclusion and Embrace"). This book is titled "Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace." Pretty much, Volf is contrasting the economy of this world with the economy of God.

Each of us that has grown up in the United States has a pretty skewed idea of what it means to give and receive. If you give someone a birthday card, you will be disappointed if you do not receive a birthday card back. If you invite someone to dinner, you can expect to be invited to dinner in the next month or so. We believe in reciprocity. The problem?

This is not the economy that God desires. God expects us to give without any return. If we lend money, it should be free of interest. If we give gifts, we shouldn't expect them to be used in a way that pleases us. We should lavish on those who cannot hope to pay us back. Why?

Because God has first done those things for us. God started his economy at the start of all things. He created things that couldn't possibly return the gift of being or of life. Later, he redeemed those things he created in a way that they couldn't possibly hope to return. As hopeless children, all we can give to God that he desires is our own love. And while that is intangible, it is something that God created the entire cosmos to have.

So what does that mean? It means as Christians, and as larger units as the Church, we should be giving without expecting return. We should be willing to receive graciously, because that is part of the divine economy. Imagine if everyone was willing to give but no one was willing to receive? We must receive and seek to pass the blessing to someone who doesn't deserve it and can't earn it. We should be willing to ask, because God tells us we should as from him. Words like "earn" and "merit" are not longer worth mentioning, because in God's economy none of us can earn or merit anything. All we can do is receive, and then, in turn, give.

Volf says this "For a giver, every need is in a sense like any other need, and the mere fact of its existence is a sufficient reason for attending to it. Only ungracious and reluctant givers inspect the causes of a need and dole out the benefits in proportion to its legitimacy.
"Some needy recipients may prove unworthy. They may be ungrateful, they may squander gifts irresponsibly before their genuine need is satisfied, and they may greedily refuse to pass even a crumb from their table to neighbors in more dire need. They clearly need to learn how to both receive and give- though probably not from those who give to them, lest the givers prove to be reluctant and arrogant, and therefore bad givers. Yet if receipients are in need, gifts should be given. Need is the only justification a gift requires."

The Power of Words

So I just completed a five-week bible study at work. We talked about Calvinism, Arminianism and Open Theism. There was a guy in the class who I didn't think was particularly bright before it began. But, week after week, he consistently showed a very solid grasp of the topics we were discussing. Then, the day after our last class he came up to me to speak about a bible study that he was a part of at his church.

Basically, they were talking about a scientific experiment that proved that words matter. The guy in charge took some glasses of water and spoke different types of words over them. He would bless some and curse the others. He played heavy metal with evil messages over some, and classical music with heavenly messages over the others. He labeled some 'love' and some 'hate.'

And he ended up with some fascinating results. Those that he blessed had a very different chemical makeup after than those he cursed. Some ended up being toxic due to the words spoken over them, and some water ended up much better. Since most things contain a very large amount of water in their basic composition, this shows the importance of not cursing and the importance of blessing. There was only one real problem with this experiment.

It isn't true. See, these "results" have never been duplicated. No one has been able to prove that words have an actual effect in our world, at least not physically. Many times people will say that they know words are powerful because the bible indicates that they are. And the bible does seem to say that. But is that what the bible means? Do words, in and of themselves, actually have power?

I think they don't. At least not people's words. If words themselves have power, then we could merely run around using the right words to get all kinds of things accomplished. We might even carry some sort of pointing device, and wear a robe and a pointy hat. Words do not have power on their own.

They can be given power, but they can only be given power by some sort of agent, God or others. See, God's words have power because God is power. God can make things happen merely by the force of his will. To think that people can do the same is to elevate people to a level equal with God. People can give words power by the meaning that they ascribe to them. "Love" only means something because someone hears it. "Hate" only means something because someone says it. The words themselves mean nothing.

Fear

I was thinking today about people from high school. The vast majority of people that I went to school with left the state or at least the city after graduating. Most of us went on to do a variety of things in a variety of places.

But there was a small contingent that did not move away. A small group ended up staying in the city for college, if they went, and are still hanging out with their high school friends. Generally, those people that stayed were those people that were considered "popular" in high school. And now, those people are doing the same thing they were doing then.

The big difference, to me, was fear. The cool kids had a lot to give up. High school was great for them (and just so I don't sound jaded, I loved high school too). It was so great, that they never wanted to let it go. Fear kept them driving down the same streets and talking to the same people. Fear kept them from exploring new thoughts, new cities or from meeting new friends. It's probably not fair to say that everyone who stayed in OKC did so out of fear. Many were probably not scared at all.

But when I think about what really scares people, I think about what is typically a good horror movie. These days, people love to make horror movies as gory and bloody as possible. But a really great horror movie emphasizes the unknown. A great horror movie makes the watcher realize that ANYTHING could be out there. Anything.

And I think that "anything" is typically what holds people back; from moving away, from meeting new people, from taking risks. After all, ANYTHING could be out there.

I think generally that is the same thing that holds people back from taking a leap and doing something hard. What if we fail? What if I'm not as __________ as I thought? What will people say?

But when I think about fear in my life, there are so many wonderful things that I wouldn't have if fear had kept me down. I would never have gotten a dog like Rufus, I would never have made the friends I made in college, I would not have gone to Truett Seminary, I probably would never have walked down an aisle when I was 6 and asked questions about God. If I had let fear get in the way, I would never have called a girl that I met in the college cafeteria. I would never have asked her out the first time (much less the second or third), and I would never have asked her to marry me.

The problem is, I look back at the times I overcame fear, and I see that the best things in my life have come from overcoming fear, but I still let it paralyze me at times. I still wonder if the risks we are taking in our life are worthwhile. And I'm still afraid of the unknown. Hopefully I will remember the good things that come from overcoming fear, and hopefully God has more great things in store for me.

Well...

We got some really great news, but I still couldn't sleep last night.

I pretty much went on a driving tour of Denver yesterday. We really need a place to meet, so I checked out three separate spots yesterday. I started by the capitol by checking out a space at First Baptist of Denver (thankfully this First Baptist couldn't and didn't want to fire me), I proceeded Hope Community Church to check out a space they had (which was really cool) and finally I made my way to Bethlehem Lutheran Church. Each spot had its strengths and weaknesses, but I think we will probably end up at one of the latter two. The chapel at Bethlehem would be free of charge, which is a really nice price, and it has pretty much everything we need. The other has a better location, but I would be very happy with any of them.

So, we had three pretty good spots, we won't end up stuck meeting under a bridge somewhere. It is great news, and instead of dreading our first service as I had been, I am now starting to get excited.

So why could I still not sleep last night? Because my excitement wouldn't let me. I couldn't help but think of people we could reach, messages I could share, songs we could sing, and most importantly, community we would build.

A place really means nothing, but it means everything at the same time. It is strange. It should never be the primary thing a church thinks about or desires, but it is a necessity if you want to actually be able to meet. So, hopefully I will sleep tonight, but hopefully I also continue to get more and more excited.

Sleep

These past few weeks, sleep has not been good. As a consequence, I had to go get some cream for circles under my eyes. Here I am, a 27 year old male, shopping next to a lot of 60 year old women. Robin got a good laugh out of it. The package only mentions when women should use it too... so that's pretty neat.

Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep at all. I think one of the main reasons is that we do not have place to meet for our first service yet, and that is about two and a half weeks away at this point. So, yeah, a little worried about that. Today I'm supposed to meet with the pastor of First Baptist Denver, and I'm really hoping that goes well. If not, I'm meeting with someone from the staff of Bethlehem Lutheran Church later in the day. So out of the two, I really hope one will work.

So last night I couldn't sleep because I was having a crazy dream. In my dream, I woke up about 30 minutes until my meeting. I rushed to get ready, and I made it to the church with about 5 minutes to spare, but I looked down and I was wearing a cutoff tshirt and athletic shorts! Crap. I didn't have time to run home and still make the meeting on time, and as I was deliberating what to do, Rufus woke me up.

I know I have recently had dreams that Palm Sunday came and we didn't have a place to meet, so I was panicking the day of. I feel like I am caught between several forces here.

The first is my perfectionist nature, at least with things I care about. I'm not a perfectionist with cutting my toenails or even with haircuts, but with church I want things to go perfectly. This turns out to be a problem, because a good church, by very nature, is pretty open about problems and issues. A good church never goes perfect because it is allowing people that are messed up to have a big part.

The second is my definition of success. I want Refuge to be an incredibly church, and I want to make a huge difference in the city of Denver. But I am defining "success" incredibly wrong. Success for Refuge has nothing to do with the entire city of Denver. Instead, it has to do with a guy who spent 8 years in prison, and because of Refuge he finally has a church that he loves, a place where he can become a minister, and a place where he can make a difference. It has to do with embracing people and helping them find God's purpose in their lives. Success is loving well, and by that definition, we are already well on our way to success. I just can't help but get mixed up with wrong definitions sometimes.

The third is God's propensity to give what we need only when we need it. God's kingdom is not built on surplus and capital, it is built on the obedience of God's people, and it is built just in time. The Israelites were not allowed to take more manna than they needed for the day. Jesus compared his people to the flowers of the field, who do not store things for themselves. So, sometimes God doesn't provide until just in time, and that is up to him.

I just hope today is just in time, I need some good sleep...

Prayer

Does it really mean anything? I have never heard anyone who is a Christian say no. I have rarely heard people of other religions say no. So what's the point?

Most Christians will agree that prayer is a place to thank God for the good things he does. Most will agree it should be a time to adore God's sacrifice in Jesus for humanity. But what about when we ask God for things? Should we? Does it make a difference?

I grew up with a very fundamentally different view of God than I have today. As I grew up, I just imagined God outside of time. I love comic books, so I just assumed that God was viewing all of life, all of time like it was a giant comic strip. He was viewing the past, present and future as one "present." He saw the end in the same way that he saw the beginning. In fact, I remember when I preached a sermon in Australia, I said that very thing.

If that is the case, then can we ask God to do something that he was not already going to do? If God is looking at each moment in time as if it is present, and God cannot be mistaken, then God can only see the actual future as it actually will happen. And if that is the case, then he will do what he will do.

And that fit pretty well with my experience with prayer. I prayed from the time I was 7 or 8 until I was at least 14 for God to bring my dad back. And he never did. God didn't listen to my prayer. So I stopped praying and asking God to do things.

Then I started to explore the idea that maybe God was not outside of time like I had otherwise suspected. I started to read authors that believed that people could argue with God, and sometimes win! I read and reread passages like Exodus 32, when God says in no uncertain terms that the Israelites were going down the crapper. He was just going to get rid of them and start over with Moses the stutterer. But Moses stuttered out a pretty good argument with God, and the scripture says that "God relented of the calamity that he was going to bring on Israel." I read places where Jesus asked God to take the cup from him, when Jesus said to ask of God, and to ask some more. If Jesus knew God better than any of us, and if Jesus thought that prayer might make a difference, then maybe it did?

Now I pray much differently. I know that God very well may decline my requests, but I believe if he does it is for a good reason. The more I reflect on my dad never returning, the more I realize God was protecting me. Why would he want me to have a hero who couldn't avoid drinking or huffing paint long enough to drive his children to school? So he said no. And I believe it was every bit as painful to God as it was to me. I believe that he cried as I did. That God wanted nothing more than to reincarnate himself to come and be there for me. Well, he wanted almost nothing more. The only thing that stopped him was that I believe he wanted me to still have choice.

And I believe that is why God is not outside of time. In order to preserve our ability to have choice, I believe God chose to enter into time when he created it. I believe that God changes, that God has emotions, that God hurts with us and that God celebrates with us. I just can't imagine why Jesus would tell us to ask for things if God had already decided if he would give them or not. I can't imagine, on the eve of horrific suffering and crucifixion, that Jesus would have asked God to create another way if it was really impossible for God to change his mind.

CS Lewis says that because of Jesus' self affirmation as God, he was either crazy, evil or actually God. Well, there is some debate about that issue today, but let me steal his logic. If Jesus told us to pray, and compared it to a persistent widow who finally changed an evil judge's mind, if he told us to pray and acted as if changing God's mind wasn't out of the question, then he must either have been crazy, or a liar, or he was God and he knew what he was talking about.

From naivete to.... something better.

So, at church we have been going through a pretty long and, to be honest, grueling process. We are talking through many of the difficult issues faced by churches today, and really the issues face everyone. How do we respond to people who disagree with us? Why do we believe what we believe? What if we are wrong?

As we walk through this journey, I know it has been hard on many of us. I know that some of the questions that we have raised are not fun to confront, but I believe in the direction we are going.

I think most of us started at "The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it." And that works pretty well for some people. But the fact is that even if that little syllogism were true, the question could still be asked, "Does the Bible say (it)?" We take certain things for granted, like the existence of an eternal hell, the salvation of the elect, or that all the Bible agrees on any particular issue.

I wish I could remember the exact phrase he used, but Kester Brewin talks about this particular journey in his book "Signs of Emergence." He speaks of moving from a naivete that takes certain things for granted to a certain wisdom in acknowledging that we don't know all the answers, but we are comfortable asking the questions.

I honestly think in this particular area that the clergy in churches have let their people down for a very long time. We have become as comfortable as the Catholic clergy were in the middle ages. We love the fact that people "trust the pastor." We love people asking us hard theological questions and we love hearing them reply "I hadn't ever thought of that." We have become obsessed with our own genius. And it is pretty sad to me.

If, as clergy, we know more about an issue, we should be incredibly humbled by the discoveries of what we don't know. If, as clergy, we are educated on a particular passage, we should be in awe of that many meanings that that particular passage could have.

It's not that I don't think we can be fairly certain about some things, it is that I don't think we can be all that certain about everything.

One of the main jobs of clergy should be to propose questions for the people. The problem with giving out a list of answers isn't that so many are wrong, in my opinion. It is that we are robbing our people of the very important journey that seeks the answers. Part of the reason I think God made pregnancy last nine months is because it takes about that long to discover some of the questions we should be asking, to face the reality that a life is soon to be in our care. Why do we think we can give glib answers to questions that God spent the better part of history trying to get people to discover? If the Bible is God's word exactly as he intended it, then why should we take away the process of people searching it for riches? I would rather frustrate the people that I am called to minister to than rob them of the all important task of realizing their own spirituality.

XOXOXO

I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that he had been drinking heavily tonight. I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that he drinks heavily before he sees me every time. I'm sure some of it was I picked up his cane when he dropped it, and I'm sure part of it was that I moved a chair for him. But for whatever reason, I was given a hug by a very drunk homeless guy tonight.

I say that not because I did anything exceptional to earn this hug. I say it because when he did it, it was completely unexpected and really probably undeserved. And as he reached out his dry and cracked hands to mine, as he pulled me close, and as I smelled the alcohol so strongly I was afraid someone would give ME a breath test, I realized that it doesn't take any kind of exceptional person to reach out to our clients. What it does take is someone who is there.

Some of our clients have done some stupid things to end up on the streets. Some of them have simply fallen on some very hard luck. But every one of them want a couple things in life. They all want someone to listen to them, regardless of how crazy they may sound. And they all want someone to touch them with kindness. These are things that anyone could do, but unfortunately we have all too few that are willing to do them.

These are the things that I believe set Jesus apart from any other kind of messiah. Jesus listened. Jesus cared enough to be down in the dirt, to be available, to be there. And this is what I think God calls us to when we come to minister. We are caleld to be there. I hope I can be there with the kind of consistency and love that Jesus was.

Marathoning...

I doubt that is a real word. And I'm also not writing this post to declare my future intentions to run a marathon. Though, at some point I would like to do that. No, I'm thinking of a different type of marathon.

We live in a society of sprints. We have to run and get "fast" food. We have day planners to ensure that all the different sprints we run throughout the day go as planned. We have instant publishing on the internet, and sometimes amazon takes too long, so we go to the store and pay 10% more for the same book.

We sprint to work, sprint home. We sprint through conversations and relationships. We get impatient with "warm-up" conversation. We sprint through playing ball with the dog, or we microwave the dinner instead of using the crock pot.

I think usually are propensity is to declare the United States to be at fault for all of that. But really, I think the United States has just perfected a millennium old problem. We are incredibly impatient.

I go from very committed to somewhat committed to not caring at all about my own personal fitness program. Why? Because I can't microwave it. I am not back to 190 in a few weeks, so I despair. There is no way to sprint to good shape... well, not figuratively (because if I regularly and consistently sprinted every day for a long time, I would be in great shape). We can't cut corners on something like that. It just doesn't happen.

The same can be said of our spiritual lives. I want very much to be the pastor, and more importantly, the kind of person that is worthy of heaven immediately. And when it doesn't immediately get easier, I despair and give up. Why can't it be a sprint? Why can't we microwave our souls into a perfect temperature to relate to God and others?

I suspect that the process is as important as the end result. I think that in this case the trials and tribulations of running the marathon are part of what makes us "heavenly" people. Some things can be rushed. But some can't. I suspect that truly being a person that knows God and others can't. I think God would love it if we could just make a decision and sprint in to instant holiness. But I think to truly become holy we have to go through the refining process of running when our feet hurt. Of continuing when our legs burn. Of falling down and refusing to stay down because we haven't made it to the finish line yet. I hope I can someday make a good marathoner...

Nomads

Some things weren't meant to last. Like, everything. Jesus was homeless, the Israelites were probably at their best while roaming the desert, Paul couldn't stay anywhere but prison more than a few months. It just seems like as humans we can't ever get content anywhere. No matter what happens, if someday we have an epiphany that our lives are exactly as we wanted, BOOM! They change.

If we decide we like the kind of shape our bodies are in, then we slack off a bit, eat a few too many burritos, drink a few too many DPs, take a few too many days off, BAM! I can't fit into my favorite jeans anymore.

If we decide we like the direction our relationships are going, we determine to continue in exactly the same vein. We continue to do the things that brought such success to begin with, tell similar jokes, bring similar gifts, ZAP! We are suddenly boring to our mates or friends.

So, what does it all mean? Why can't we just settle in and enjoy things the way they are, and keep them the way they are? Because I don't think we were made for all this. Jesus was homeless because he had a much better place elsewhere. Paul couldn't settle in because he wanted to bring everyone with him. The Israelites sucked when they settled down because they started to think the temple and the king and the money and crops were the point. But they were all just a means to an end. They were called to be what Paul was. Light. And the only way to be light it to have a different set of values.

"Why are all those weirdos giving up all their stuff?" "Oh, don't mind them, they're just Christians." "Ha, yeah, I heard they don't care if they are rich or broke. What a bunch of idiots."

We are called to be nomads because we shouldn't settle down here in this world. If we get too settled, we start to think this might be home. But the reality is, the only thing we will be able to take with us are our relationships (at least in my opinion, many theologians would disagree). I won't be able to take my sweet flatscreen, my nice laptop, my XBox gamerscores, my massive collection of DVDs and books. All I can take is Robin and Refuge (the people that are part of our church, Refuge Community Church). It won't matter if I ever paid off my Mazda, or if I had enough sweaters that I finally thought I was cool. It will matter if I was good to my wife. It will matter if I listen to my friends. Those things will matter. And those things can go where ever I want to go.

Pack light for the journey. (only thing I heard in Worship class)

Soul train

"When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause..." I honestly really hate Shakespeare. I had to memorize that monologue during my freshman lit class in high school. I honestly tried to like Shakespeare. I think the reason I don't is a combination of resentment because everyone else seems to love him so much, frustration because his writing is so difficult to understand, and tired-head from reading him a lot freshman year. But his ideas are definitely good. That line above puts forth the idea that we are somehow more than our physical bodies, that there is a part of us that will continue and persevere regardless of what happens to our bodies.

Orson Scott Card wrote a book called "Ender's Game" and quite a few after that. He has the idea that somehow there is this place, or maybe a "non-place" where a bunch of souls or "auias" exist and are waiting for a chance to come into being and be part of bodies.

One of the greatest theologians of the early church, and probably of the entire Christian history, Origen, had a similar idea. He believed that souls have existed forever and continue to exist forever. When a baby is conceived (or born, can't remember which) the soul is brought into the body.

The problem with those ideas, is that Origen was rejected as a heretic for his idea. The Christians of his day believed that is was edging onto dualism to believe something like that. They wanted to preserve the idea that God is the only being who has always existed, from eternity past to eternity future, the "uncaused cause."

So, what are we? Are we a soul with a body? I think biblically the idea is closer to that we are a soul/body. We are both in one, at the same time. When we die, we may "shuffle off this mortal coil" but more likely we will be transformed from a soul/body to a soul/perfect body.It seems more like a later western or Greek idea to think that we are somehow a divided self. The soul is over there, the body is there, the mind is there. And it is a very popular idea. But I think maybe the Hebrews were closer to the right idea. Maybe our finger is as much "us" as our head. Maybe our soul is all of us. Maybe we will just sleep after death, until all of reality is changed and we become a new self, a new body, with soul and mind intact. I don't know.